Torn between two men
Published On August 1, 2015 » 1659 Views» By Davies M.M Chanda » Features
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Tell me JosephineDEAR Josephine

I AM in a dilemma. I have been dating a man I met at UNZA in my fourth year. I could say he was the plainest man I have ever met yet he showered me with lots of love. His dressing is ordinary, if not unfashionable. My parents love him because he is courteous and religious.

Last year I joined this firm where I met a man of my dreams who is just the opposite of my first love. He is charming, fashionable and outgoing. However, I have discovered that he is some sort of a Casanova since he changes women like ties. I love both men though I am thinking of dropping my first guy.

I know if I tell him that it is over, he will be devastated. At the same time I am reluctant to do this because deep down my heart, I know that the new guy has other women he loves. What should I do?

Siphiwe

Lusaka

 

Dear Siphiwe

I feel as a university graduate, you should be intelligent enough to know that the first guy is the man for you. The other guy considers you as a mere number out of the numerous girls he has. I would suggest you keep the so-called plain guy. If you go for the man you call charming, you are likely to regret.

Is it possible to love two men at the same time?

I AM 21 years old and in my second year at Copperbelt University. I met a classmate who is a very understanding boy and we quickly became friends and spend lots of time together.

Coincidentally, at the same time, I met a fellow choir member at church, who is equally loving and understanding.

I have been having affairs with both of them since I can’t pluck enough courage to break either relationship. What should I do?

Carol

Kitwe

Dear Carol

Either you are a very weak-willed young woman or you are just immoral. A hallmark of any decent woman is her power to say no. Most women who cheat on their spouses or become promiscuous fail to say no.

I would suggest you end one relationship (especially the second one) and move on with one man.

My girlfriend doesn’t want children

 

Dear Josephine

I have been dating a young woman who studied abroad and came back to Zambia four years ago. I have already introduced her to my parents who approved of our relationship. I have been planning to tell her that I want to marry her. The only hitch is when I asked her if she wanted children and she surprised me by emphatically answering that she doesn’t want them.

She even explained that this was the reason she left her last boyfriend of six years because he wanted marriage and children.

Since I love her dearly, I involved two of her cousins and my sister but she was adamant that she can’t change her mind. I am completely taken aback and now I don’t know what to do.

I wasn’t even thinking about children yet, but I’m not sure if I can be with somebody who doesn’t want them. What do I do?

Noel

Kabwe

Dear Noel

Knowing that your girlfriend has lived abroad, I partially understand why she doesn’t want children coming from a liberal society where having children is by choice.

However, having said this, I think she has to be considerate of the Zambian culture and your stance on children.

If she still insists she doesn’t want children, then basing my advice on both tradition and Biblical norms, I think it is high time you called it quits.

Should I go back to my abusive husband

Dear Josephine

I left my husband 18 months ago after seven years of an unhappy and abusive marriage.

We’d been together since our early 20s when we met at college and at first everything was brilliant. God blessed us with two children aged eight and six.

However, my husband became abusive when he lost his job and found solace in drinking alcohol.

This had a negative effect on our marriage since he beat me whenever he got drunk which was often. I had no option but to leave him.

Now I’ve had 18 months to think things through I think I’ve made a mistake in leaving. But I don’t see a way back. What do you think I should do?

Bwalya

Kasama

Dear Bwalya

I feel for you though at the same time I don’t think you gave your marriage enough time to sort out your differences.

The fact that you know the source of his embitterment should have made you work at it with the help of family or church members.

Swallow your pride and talk to him about your predicament.

Marriage has become boring since I cheated

Dear Josephine

My husband and I have been together for five years and have two children. Our sex life has always been exciting.

However, last month he confessed that he was cheating on me when I confronted him about some text messages and his late coming home.

Now when we’re in bed there seems to be a hedge between us since we can’t make love any more like we used to do. What should I do?

Silvia

Mufulira

 

Dear Silvia

I think this situation calls for some brutal honesty if your marriage has to survive.

After cheating, things can never go back to being exactly the same as they were before. It’s possible to rekindle your love, but you have to talk about it. And maybe, if you’re being honest with yourself, you’re not as over it as you think you are, so you’re feeling insecure. It’s understandable.

When someone has cheated, the one place you want sparks to be flying is in the bedroom because you need that reassurance.

Get tougher – remind him that you took him back, but that he’s doing nothing to make you feel loved, desired or reassured. Maybe a trial separation will force him to think about what you mean to him and if he’s prepared to put in the effort, because it takes a lot of hard work to get things – including sex – back on track after an affair.

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