Dear Josephine -
I am a born again woman who is married with four children. Of late, a man I go to the same church with has started showing interest in me though he hasn’t said anything to that effect.
However, for the past three weeks, I dream he is having sex with me. Though I haven’t told my husband since I know as a believer he won’t believe me, I am really devastated.
Last Sunday, I caught the man I see in my dreams looking at me secretly. He averted his eyes when I caught him staring at me.
I have prayed about it but nothing seems to be working since the sex encounters have continued. What should I do?
This one is tricky since like you I am a Christian who is not superstitious.
I would suggest you tell your husband about your encounters but tread carefully not to confront the man in case he sues.
I feel if he is using witchcraft, he will feel exposed and stop.
They say my huband died with ‘dirt’
My late husband died last month but after burial I was taken to task by his superstitious relatives since I didn’t shave him.
I tell you his relatives are giving me hell and even tried to grab the property we acquired together using the same stupid argument that I am untutored.
When they failed to grab property, they are insisting that they should keep the children.
They are again arguing that since my husband died with ‘dirt’ I am not entitled to the custody of the children.
Isn’t this stupid since I didn’t know that he would die to shave him. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
Dear Julita B
I feel if you know about this column you should also know about the Victim Support Unit which handles such issues. Drag these primitive people to the Victim Support Unit please.
My husband is lazy in bed
I got married to a rich but old man who has married me after losing his wife two years ago. Everything is Ok since he takes care of my material needs.
The problem is that at 65 he has serious problems making love to me since he can’t last a few minutes and sleeps on top of me snoring.
Though I pretend everything is Ok it really bothers me since as a young woman of 34 I think sex should be part of a healthy relationship.
What should I do?
I think you are being unfair to your old husband since at his age you don’t expect him to make love like a young man. I would suggest you ask him to see a doctor who can administer some medicine for him since his problem is erectile dysfunction.
Erectile dysfunction (impotence) is the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sex.
Having erection trouble from time to time isn’t necessarily a cause for concern. If erectile dysfunction is an ongoing issue, however, it can cause stress, affect your self-confidence and contribute to relationship problems. Problems getting or keeping an erection also can be a sign of an underlying health condition that needs treatment and a risk factor for heart disease down the road.
Sometimes, treating an underlying condition is enough to reverse erectile dysfunction. In other cases, medications or other direct treatments might be needed.
He only knows one position
I am married to a very old fashioned and conservative man who resists change in everything including sex.
I say this because he only knows the missionary position and refuses any other style which he says is immoral in marriage.
I tell you I find the position boring not to talk of doing it in the same place — the bedroom. What should I do since I am sexually active and I don’t want to commit adultery?
Dear Bana L
Though common knowledge dictates that sexual variety is important in long-term relationships, very few experiment with other positions other than the missionary position.
However, since it takes two to tango, I would suggest that you ask your husband on what really turn him on.
Because of your age difference, I suggest that you ask the question politely.
On adopting other methods, I feel your husband is wrong to call them immoral since sex was meant for marriage.
He doesn’t want me to close eyes during sex
I have been married for four years and I always find it strange that my husband doesn’t want me to close my eyes during sex. I don’t see any reason he wants me to have my eyes open. What should I do?
You have to strike a balance on things you like during sex and things he desires. I feel he is being selfish since most couples close their eyes during sex.
For the same reason people close eyes when they kiss seems to apply to sex.
Sex can make us self-conscious about our bodies, our partners’ enjoyment and the mere fact of sweet surrendering that brings us to the level of animals.
Closing our eyes is one way to get absorbed in the enjoyment by focusing more on the moment.
It is a great experience that calls for tuning in to all our senses for maximum enjoyment.
Hubbys should be taught about marriage
I am surprised at the ignorance of most Zambian men when it comes to issues of marriage. Yet women have a lot to learn about keeping a home. I say this because my husband is always arguing with me on issues he doesn’t know. Please what should be done to reconcile the ignorance of men concerning marriage traditionally?
Dear Bana G
I agree with you that it is only a sexist society like Zambia that would bombard the would-be-wife with a lot of traditional teachings on how to keep a home and leave a man untutored.
I would suggest to the Alangizis and bana fimbusas (marriage counsellors) of this world to change their attitude by tutoring men as well.
If a woman is tutored and a man is not, there will always be conflicts in a firstname.lastname@example.org