Help, I can’t keep a man. Is it a spiritual husband interferring?
Published On June 11, 2016 » 2562 Views» By Hildah Lumba » Letters to the Editor
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Tell me JosephineDear Josephine
I am now 45, and I have been in four failed relationships. This is really depressing though I am not superstitious I think I have what Bembas call ichishilu-bad luck.
I say this since I am good looking and very faithful to my boyfriends.
However, when time comes for them to slip a ring or talk about marriage, things go sour for the worse. I say this since in all the four relationships it has been the same trend. I at one time engaged a pastor who told me that I already have a spiritual husband.
I really feel suicidal since 45 years is only five years shy of 50. What should I do?
Karen M
Lusaka

Dear Karen M
I don’t believe in ichishilu-bad luck or spiritual husbands of wives since they are both steeped in primitive superstition that refuses to die in our society.
My advice is go through what happened during your relationships and frankly analyse each one of them to know who was at fault.
Be very frank in analysing what your partners complained about to pin point what really went wrong.
It also could be a coincidence that all relationships are breaking up. Remember life is not formulaic.

Should privacy exist between couples?

Dear Josephine
I am a God-fearing Christian who is married to an equally God-fearing man.
Am wondering if privacy should exist between us. Please I sincerely need your advice because am a very private person who sometimes want to be alone.
LILIAN N
Mufulira

Dear Lilian N
It is good that you have professed your faith since I will quote the Bible for my response.
The Bible says “and they were both naked” Genesis 2 vs 25.
When it comes to marriage, everything is meant to be naked, open, plain, real and sincere without any iota of secrecy amongst the couples.
If at the budding stage of your relationship, your partner is already having some privacy policy terms and conditions, then you may need to prepare your heart to either respect them or let him go to avoid unnecessary struggles after wedding.
While I don’t encourage anyone to be snooping around the phones of his or her partner, I must categorically state that when there is so much privacy for a device, there maybe some ‘official documents’ that may break your heart should you have access to his or her phone.
Sometimes I wonder the kind of official documents that maybe in a phone that is beyond your own partner, but what do I know?
So decide on what’s best for you and learn to stick with it for your own good.

What’s more important, sex, love, or companionship?

Dear Josephine
I am in a relationship which shifts from sex, love and companionship. What is more important. Is it sex, love or companionship?
BARBARA L
Lusaka

Dear Barbara L
The three elements are interrelated in a relationship though they strive for prominence at different stages. For old couples companionship and love is what usually keeps them glued. This is the healthiest stage in a relationship since a couple graduates from being mere lovers to soul mates.
For young couples, it is usually sex and love the latter which can be mere infatuation since true love grows with time.
However, generally, companionship coincides with love and it is unusual to have sex with someone you don’t love.
Comments: tellmejosephine@gmail.com

My pastor husband is a hypocrite

Dear Josephine
I have been married to a Pastor who lives two lives very successfully; he should have been an actor.
I say this because outwardly he appears to be very holy and counsels people on how to live a God-fearing life.
Problems started when his ministry started growing making us very rich and famous (since we appear on crusade billboards as husband and wife).
However, you should see what he does in private. He is everything that is against the 10 commandments, since he womanises, lies, beats me and is proud.
I have thought of leaving him but whenever I attempt to do so he pleads with me to stay arguing that it would be a scandal that would shake the church and embarrass him.
Nevertheless, his sinning is getting out of hand and I don’t think I can manage it anymore. Even if the Bible says people should only be separated by death, is this normal?
DK
Lusaka

Dear DK
Human behaviour is the same whether one is born again or not. In my career as psychologists, I have counselled people hailing from all walks of life.
Don’t bank so much faith in a human being and expect him or her to behave like an angel from heaven.
I would address your concern the same way I would do if you husband was not a pastor or man of God as some men of the collar are announcing themselves.
First and foremost involve other people and open up your heart on what you are going through.
If your husband is so concerned about his image he should stop his sinful way and be faithful.
As things stand, he is capitalising on your indecision to leave him.
Make up your mind that you are prepared to leave him.
Your story is similar to that of Pastor Chris Oyakhilome of Christ Embassy who projected a public image of a God-fearing man while cheating on his wife Anita Ebhodaghe.
The former Anita Oyakhilome, who is a pioneer member of Christ Embassy she rose to become a pastor and got married to Oyakhilome in 1991, and has two daughters with him.
A statement by her solicitors, Attwaters Jameson Hill, said the divorce was finalised on February 8 and hinted that she had dropped Oyahkilome from her name, while also severing all ties with the church.

My aunt hates my fiancé

Dear Josephine
I am dating a man I met at university and we intend to marry. The problem is that my aunt who raised me when my mother died is against the relationship. She has a cocktail of reasons why I should not marry a man of my dream. She disapproves of his tribe, his church and the man himself. I have tried to convince her why I would love to marry this man, but she is adamant. This has brought a wedge between us. What should I do since I don’t want to disappoint her?
FEBBY T
Kitwe

Dear Febby T
I think your aunt is being grossly unfair to you. I don’t know if she is married herself. If she is, how would she have felt if her aunt disapproved of her husband.
Don’t pamper to her disapproval even if she supported you when your mother died. She should give better reasons to disapprove of your fiancé not the silly reasons she has given above.
Go ahead and marry a man of your dreams.

My wife is too materialistic

Dear Josephine
We have been married for two years and we have a daughter. Apart from my wife being too materialistic, I don’t have any other problem with her.
I work in a bank but her expenditure always leaves me in debt.
She doesn’t appreciate the effort I make to make her comfortable as a woman since it means juggling with borrowing from several quarters.
The problem is that she extends this materialism to her relatives she she always wants me to buy one thing or the other for her parents, brothers and sisters.
Meanwhile, I do help her family in the way I can afford. She has never mentioned nor contributed to our own family future plan or shares any of her plans for our family or daughter. Even when you ask her if she has anything to say or contribute on this plan or share some plans she has or she will like us to have as a family. She will say nothing.
Meanwhile we dated for close to two and half years before we got married and she never showed any of these attitudes.
Please, help me before I resort to stealing.
JAMIE K
Kitwe

Dear Jamie K
Irrespective of all her flaws, she’s your darling wife and I want to believe that you loved her so much to propose marriage to her.
I mean if your wife doesn’t enjoy your wealth after putting her life on the line to bring forth  a lovely daughter for you, who exactly will?
I am not supporting her materialistic attitude but dear husband you can appreciate her without keeping records of all you did.
This is where you need maturity and wisdom to guide your home to the height that you desire it to be.
Begin with budgeting for every month and saving the ones that is remaining for the raining days.
Give her the share for home keeping and for your children. I’m certain that you know that raising a daughter is not a joke so please be fair with her when budgeting.
I feel that your communication is limited and it is already choking your marriage.
You should be free to express your feelings and thoughts with her and let her see reasons why she has to make amends.
Please do not command, or push her around as that may never yield any dividend in your home.

 

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