I’m in love with my niece
Published On June 25, 2016 » 3015 Views» By Hildah Lumba » Letters to the Editor
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Tell me JosephineDear Josephine
I think I have a very serious problem that needs addressing quickly.
I’m in love with my niece who is 24 years old. I am eight years older than her.
My sister died many years ago and I only met my niece last year.  I just came home from work and found her in the sitting room with my nephew whom I live with in my flat.
After a week together, eating meals, going to the cinema and church together, we have clicked emotionally. I don’t think of her as my niece anymore. I get on better with her than anyone else, and she has told me she has the same feelings for me.
Four months have passed and I am going crazy because of my feelings for her, but I don’t want to propose marriage or anything since at the back of my mind I know this will lead to an incestuous relationship though I have not slept with her yet.
Only a few family members know that I like her but they don’t suspect anything intimate. What should I do?
Marvin
Lusaka
Dear Marvin
I feel for you though at the same time, I know God created you with a strong will to resist such temptations that border on incest.
Love goes beyond all boundaries, and sometimes it goes beyond family relations as well.

In this case I would address your sub conscious mind which is telling you what you are doing is wrong. Start from there and develop it to resist further temptations to go ahead with this relationship.

I can’t sexually satisfy my wife

Dear Josephine
I divorced my wife last year and married another woman. The problem is my new wife is a nymphomaniac who really can’t get enough in bed. I always satisfied my ex-wife who praised my love making.
However, the new woman demands for sex all the time and expects it to last more than 30 minutes. What should I do?
MK
Ndola

Dear MK
I think there is need to discuss this with your new wife. People differ in how much sex they want to be satisfied with some wanting more than others. It is like eating, our appetites are different.
However, I feel it is wrong for you to compare you ex-wife with your current wife.

I feel I am aging for sex

Dear Josephine
I turned 60 last month and my sex life has greatly been compromised. It is really embarrassing since I can tell my wife has noticed this though she doesn’t talk about it. What should I do?
John B
Solwezi

Dear John B
Men have their own set of issues that have an impact on their sexual activity. As with women, there is certainly no age limit on sex for men. However, older men generally take longer to achieve an erection, have a less firm or rigid erection, are less likely to ejaculate prematurely, and, take longer, after sex, to be physically ready to have sex again. As with women, many of these physical changes in sexual arousal are the result of hormonal changes.
Andropause
Men go through their own changes, related to a decrease in hormones, as they age. Andropause – sometimes called “male menopause” or aging male syndrome (AMS) – happens at roughly the same time women experience menopause: somewhere between the ages of 35 and 70 years, but mostly commonly experienced in the early 50s.
However, the decline in hormone levels (in this case, testosterone – the male hormone) is more gradual than the rapid fall in estrogen levels that mark the onset of menopause for women. At about age 30, men begin to produce less testosterone, although testosterone levels vary and some 70 year olds have testosterone levels that match the levels found in some 30 year olds. While the decline in hormone levels is gradual, it can still lead to very real physical effects. Symptoms of andropause include:
•    lack of energy
•    lower sex drive
•    decreasing strength and endurance
•    mood changes
•    erections that are less strong
While hormone replacement therapy for men (or testosterone therapy) is available, it has potential risks. The most worrisome side effect of testosterone therapy is its potential to make prostrate cancers grow. Always talk to your doctor or health-care provider before considering any medication

How can I give up alcohol when all my friends drink?

Dear Josephine,
I’ve decided, at 30, that I must try to stop drinking. I made this resolution when I hit this age a few weeks ago. I can drink moderately for a while, but every month or so I go on a binge and black out – and have often caused havoc while being completely unaware of what I’ve been doing. All my friends like drink and are looking forward to it as an opportunity to get really out of it.
Any ideas how I can stop?
Christophe B
Livingstone
Dear Christopher
There are a number of ways you could get out of drinking. You could claim to be on antibiotics that mean you can’t drink. You could say that you’ve had a bet with someone that you’re not going to drink, and you want to get the money. You could claim that your doctor has told you: “One more drink and you’re dead”! You could simply be “ill” and not go.
Not drinking will make you clearer-headed and far less ashamed of yourself. You’ll be able to sleep easier at nights, you’ll save a fortune and you will be, and feel, far healthier and more energetic.

My new boss is picking on me

Dear Josephine
I’m 50, and I’ve just got a new boss, a man of 30. I’ve been in the same job for years without any problems, and I get on with everyone, but this man appears to be picking on me. His emails are cold and formal, and he never says good morning to me when he arrives, though he greets other people. I’ve tried to help him understand various ways that the office works, since I’ve been here the longest, , but he brushes me aside. If I make any suggestions, he doesn’t even respond. What can I do?
Patricia
Kabwe
Dear Patricia
There are two possibilities here. The first is, that he is making a deliberate effort to freeze you out. He’s a new broom, who wants to sweep the place clean, and if he can’t do it by being cool and stand-offish with you, his next move will be to criticise every little thing that you do in order to finds grounds for dismissing you. In this case,  it’s time for the diaries, the records and getting other members of staff to back you up when you feel slighted, so it won’t just be his word against yours.
The other possibility, however, is that you remind him of his mother. I’m sure you’ll think I’m being ridiculous in going down what you might think is a counselling-speak route, but many young men of his age can feel immensely threatened by an older woman at work. He’s barely out of short trousers (or feels he is) and has just stepped into a position of responsibility – and blow me, he’s faced with a charming but mother-hen-like woman (you) who, by constantly bending over him and pointing out little things to him, and saying: “Actually, dear, we do it this way”, reminds him instantly of his old mum saying: “Now remember to check your car insurance is up to date … don’t leave your bike out all night – it might get stolen … If you left your dirty shirts in the basket rather letting them pile up in your room, then I might have a chance to wash them for you.” He’s made to feel infantile all over again.
I would suggest you talk to talk about his behaviour or involve other people.

My girlfriend wasn’t over her ex – so she dumped me

Dear Josephine,
My girlfriend broke up with me after six months because she can’t forget her ex, whom she was with for five years before she met me. She said it wasn’t fair to me to continue. Even so, she’s not back with him, so I don’t think that’s really the problem. I’ve been going out and trying to meet someone else, but the truth is that I’m desperate to get her back. Should we stay in contact? Even though I’m away from home for three months now, we’ve been texting and calling – and she’s instigated it half the time. But how can I make her want me if I don’t see her for so long?
Depressed
NDOLA

Dear Depressed
It’s the usual old question, isn’t it? Is it a case of “Out of sight out of mind?”, as you seem to think it is? Or is it a case of “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
It seems to me that your ex-girlfriend (though is she really yet your ex if she keeps texting and being in touch with you?) is one who is in the latter camp. She breaks up with her ex and, presumably, feels great about it. She starts seeing you, but, because she hasn’t seen her old boyfriend for a few months, he suddenly becomes, in her memory, a lot more of an attractive proposition. Now she’s split up with you and it looks to me as if she’s settling into the old pattern all over again. The moment you go away, she gets more interested. She starts texting and calling. Now, believe me, you don’t do that to someone you’re not fond of. You do it to someone who you want to be in touch with. Someone, dare I say it, that you only appreciate by his absence.
My piece of advice to you is one that is really difficult to take. And it consists of such a corny three words that you’ll probably dismiss it out of hand. But here goes. Play it cool. However fond you are of her, it’s not an unnatural way to behave. Look, she’s dropped you like a hot brick – why should you, when she gets in touch, be so quick to respond? You’ve been hurt. Do you want to get hurt again? Keep your distance. If you feel you can’t bear not to reply to her, wait a week before doing so. If she rings you, either don’t answer or pick up and quickly say you’ll ring back – and then wait a couple of days. Atleast. Maybe don’t ring back at all. This will make her digest her actions towards you.
tellmejosephine@gmail.com

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