By CHARITY MOONGA –
HARDLY a week passes by without women fighting and killing each other over a man.
The courts of law are loaded with love triangle cases of women fighting over a man or vice versa.
Over the years, issues of men having a mistress or “side kick” have become common and there are songs, books and movies which speak about being the other woman.
Many women are busy being the other woman to a married man despite the danger and possible gender based violence that can happen as a result of this situation.
A countless number of women mistresses or‘side kick’ continue to be murdered in crimes of passion.
Additionally, of the three parties, husband, wife and mistress (other woman) involved in a love triangle, the other woman is the most misunderstood and more importantly, the most blamed and hated.
It is possible that the other man also gets a lot of rage directed toward him from the man his lover betrayed, but the ‘other man’ is rarely blamed when a woman cheats on her husband.
Many mistresses are seen as positioning themselves before an innocent, unsuspecting family man who has no interest in them.
They are said to force themselves upon the men and seduce them against their will!
Many mistresses are also viewed as evil and selfish, never caring about anyone or anything but herself.
Experts describe these women as having low self esteem who might have trouble finding a mate and despite the fact that she is aware he is married, she is very happy to have someone show her some attention and affection.
It is also necessary to mention that these women are not always happy in their relationships with these cheating husbands.
They are usually in love, and suffer deeply during the relationship, even years after the relationship has ended.
Their happiness with the man is usually short-lived because he has to get back home.
The other woman is also in pain because, in her eyes, the cheater’s wife is the one who has everything including the nights, the holidays, his name, his children, his home, his love.
Some of these women had no idea the man was even married. They might have been suspicious, but by the time they find out, they are head over heels in love and can’t let go so the relationship continues.
Because of the above reasons, friction and violence have been the order of the day between wives and the other women and the men involved with some losing their lives.
Relationship experts say that the betrayed ‘other woman’ loves him and wants to hold onto him, so rather than placing the blame where it should be, on the cheater, she directs all her rage toward the other victim in the triangle and that is the woman (wife) whom she sees as her enemy.
Many women stay as mistresses for years and years hoping and waiting for a man to divorce his wife so that they take their place to no avail and this can be very painful.
Experts explain that being the other woman can be just as painful and traumatic as being the partner who is cheated on.
The reason for this is that when a woman is in love with a man who is married or otherwise committed, it is as if the other woman is condoning his cheating on her on a daily basis.
This destroys whatever little self-esteem she might have had going into the relationship. She craves validation of her love, but rarely ever gets it.
One such woman confessed that she got comfortable in her relationship with one man, and then one day, when he said he was going to meet his wife, she was overwhelmed by jealous and became violent.
“Being a ‘side kick’ or mistress is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life, it brought out the worst in me and for the first time I felt like hitting someone”.
“I was always second to someone else in this man’s life, the guilt of what I was possibly putting his wife through by my being with him, and at the same time, trying not to weigh him down with all my baggage of emotion was just too overwhelming. I hated what I had become,” she confessed.
She said she always found herself doing everything possible to be the best ‘side kick’ that this person could ever have.
Because of these silent frustrations, these women start to hate their lovers’ wives, wondering why they cannot just leave the man alone because they feel the man really wants to be with them.
“Because of the discontent I was feeling, I started losing patience easily and all I wanted was to fight the wife at all costs so that I take ‘my’ place as the man’s wife,” she said.
The woman explains that the tearing down of her self esteem made her begin to think that the man’s wife was actually better than her.
This increased her rage and she started figuring out the best way to eliminate the wife out of the man’s life.
“I started thinking less and less of myself and reasoned that if he is not choosing me to be his wife, it is because his wife is better than me, so there must be something terribly wrong with me and I need to do something about this situation,” she said.
She said that when she failed to get rid of the wife, she started looking for other men to be assured that she was still desirable.
Many women still, spend a lot of time trying to compete with other women over a man and while the man is having the best of both worlds, the women are busy trying to out-do each other to please him.
“I was a side kick (unknown to me) then when I found out, it became this sick competition to show him I was better. That side kick title is nothing to aspire to but it is sad that so many of us put ourselves through it in hopes that he will pick us,” another woman said.
Some men actually refuse to let go of these women and keep them in bondage denying them of a good future while they enjoy with their families.
One other woman confessed that she had been a man’s side kick for eight years!
“I am still a side kick. This has been going on for eight years now. We started off as single friends hanging out and through his numerous relationships I was always the ‘other girl’. It has been hard to let go because it is like I am addicted to him,” she said.
Another woman says it had to take the man’s wife to call her to leave her husband alone before she realised what the woman was going through.
“He is one person I would always love and the only way I have decided to avoid him is to break all communication,” she said.
When confronted, some men give an excuse that they do not want to hurt either of the women involved hence their holding on to the relationships.
Sadly, many women still place themselves in this position that is less than they deserve.
Jealous pangs are the order of the day with one asking the man if he spoke to the other woman or whether they were intimate and how many times and everything else that just torments her.
There is just too much pain in such relationships as there is so much mistrust. It is also sad that in such situations women try so hard to save the man when they should be trying to save themselves from him.
“What hurts most is that I will never have this man, I have never had him any way,” says another woman.
But one man explains that the relationship he has with the mistress does not make any difference to his marriage.
“My girlfriend and I complement each other without having the complications that there are in a marriage.
I see her once a week and we chat every day on WhatsApp. My wife doesn’t know about her,” he says.
Sometimes we need these side chicks as something to decorate us especially during functions but when I need people to respect me any where I go, I take my wife,” he said.
It is clear that living a lie gives temporary comfort that further plunges one deep into misery.
It is necessary for women in this situation to accept their circumstances of the fact that this person is with someone else, and no matter what he says, says or feels, there is absolutely nothing they can do to change that situation.
As observed from above, being the other woman is a difficult place to be in and a dark and depressing stage in one’s life. Everybody deserves better especially that the world does not have a shortage of single, available straight men.
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