I feel ashamed to undress before my young wife
Published On May 28, 2016 » 2279 Views» By Hildah Lumba » Letters to the Editor
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Tell me JosephineDear Josephine
I am a 72-year-old widower. I lost my wife several years ago and recently remarried a young woman who is young enough to be my daughter.
I am not complaining about her conduct. However, I feel ashamed to undress before her since I feel it is immoral to sleep with such a young woman. What should I do?
Mr Xavier M
Mkushi

Dear Xavier M
I don’t expect such a letter from a man I expect to be knowledgeable enough to understand what marriage entails. I take it when you married a young woman you knew for sure that you would be sleeping with her.
And since you know that sleeping with a woman entails undressing, why should this bother you?
If you are so concerned about exposing yourself to such a young girl then divorce her though this would be a wrong reason for that route.
I would suggest you get used to her since marriage is an intimate relationship that requires opening up including undressing before each other.

If my wife won’t lose weight, am I justified in leaving her?

Dear Josephine
I am a 45-year-old man who has been married for some years. The problem is that from nowhere, my wife started overeating, something that has led to gain of weight that is really unpleasant.
I have warned her against overeating but she doesn’t seem to heed my advice. She is now abnormally overweight and looks ugly.
I have warned her that I would have no choice but to divorce her if she continues overeating. Would I be justifiable in divorcing her?
Ben D
Lusaka

Dear Ben D
Of course you would be unjustifiable if you divorced her on such a flimsy reason that I feel you can discuss with her or a member of her family.
First find out why she is overeating since food is so often used as a replacement for sex.
We release some of the same hormones during both activities.
The same hormones we get from eating things like chocolate, phenylethamine and endorphins are actually produced during sex as well.
So by eating when we feel sexual desire, we are actually somewhat simulating the same mood as we would get from having sex. So find out why she is overeating before you take any action.

I married him for love but people say I am after his money

Dear Josephine
I am married to a man who is twice my age. The man was my lecturer at college and I was smitten by him because he is caring, kind and loving.
When he lost his wife, he proposed to me and I accepted. We have been in marriage for seven years and I think he is a man of my dreams.
However, since he is rich people (including his relatives) think I married him for money, something that hurts me.
Recently he suffered a stroke and I have been looking after him like a baby.
It is really hectic nursing a sick adult though my endurance has fuelled the accusations that I married him for money.
What should I do since I am even contemplating divorcing him?
Mumbi B
Kitwe

Dear Mumbi B
I think when you married this man you made the famous vows of ‘till death do us apart.’ Divorcing him when he is sick would be a very cruel thing to do.
Furthermore if you know that you married him for love, why should accusations that you married him because of money bother you?
God is your witness, continue nursing this man since he is a man of your dreams as you put it.

Help, my wife is a control freak

Dear Josephine
I have been married for five years, most of which have been characterised by quarrelling.
However, I’ve stayed married for the sake of my children and now that they are old, I still stay because I’ve been here so long.
At 38, I feel I have lost the best part of what a happy marriage should be.
My wife is a control freak who wants things to be done her way. If they are not, then she screams, throws things and always blames me for almost everything.
Now that our children are old enough, they know about their mother’s cantankerous behaviour and feel for me.  I feel weak, depressed and just wait to die.  We haven’t had sex for some time since whenever she is disturbed (which is quite often) she doesn’t want me to touch her. What should I do?
Rueben K
Kabwe

Dear Rueben K
I feel for you but before I can hastily give advice for divorce or something in that line, I feel you two need to understand each other better.
Firstly this can be done by constant communication. If it fails involve others like church elders, relatives or any confidant you feel can help.
You should also re-examine yourself frankly to understand if there are things you do to annoy your wife.

My wife pretended in courtship, now I am trapped

Dear Josephine
I recently got married to a woman I thought was loving, kind and caring.
These are the qualities she exhibited during our courtship which lasted three years.
However, I have now discovered that she was only pretending since she is showing her true colours of being inconsiderate, cruel and disrespectful. What should I do?
Ginger C
Mufulira

Dear Ginger C
I feel for you but women or men pretending during courtship are really common.
Pretenders will always like attention on themselves, sharing too much irrelevant details so you are distracted by what they are saying and not what you want to hear.
No matter how good a liar the person is, if you spend enough time you will notice certain behaviours that don’t feel right to you or add up.
We are all imperfect but the problem is we tend to ignore the ‘signs’ and make excuses for them hoping it’s a one time thing and even worse, we can change it.
Some people possess a lot of positive traits but there is that one thing that will not just cut it. Anger is a very clear sign for me to know that if she doesn’t work on controlling it now a man will end up being a punching bag in the future.
I would suggest you involve other people and see how things work out.
Comments: tellmejosephine@gmail.com

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