THERE is a popular Bemba proverb which states that “Ing’anda yamunobe baikumbwa umutenge” which means that a friend’s house is admired from the beauty of the roof but not all that glitters is gold.
Among the shocking news found in some homes is the stinginess of some spouses, especially among working husbands where the woman is a mere housewife.
There have been stories of women confessing what they go through in their homes under stingy husbands who do not want to spend money in the home regardless of the importance of the expense.
Many husbands actually disregard women’s needs and expenses in the home and would rather hold tight to the finances unless they are the ones who want to spend.
There are some men who go to the extent of even deciding the type of food that should be consumed in the home and even measure their various quantities.
One woman confessed that when she got married she had no say on the type of food that she ate and the type of clothes she wore as they were all chosen by the husband.
“My husband disregarded my needs and unless he supported the goods to be bought, he could not accept to buy them as he was extremely stingy with money.
“Actually, he preferred that my clothes came from cheap shops and prevented me from being trendy,” she said.
Many husbands use ‘saving money’ as a way of cutting down on their wives’ budgets.
One husband actually threw tantrums and turned violent all the time over food prior to consuming it claiming is wastage when not.
“If an egg-plant, tomato or other vegetables went bad in the refrigerator, the spoiled part was taken and smeared across my face and down my arms, to teach me the value of money.
“He would also always check behind the television set for warmth on arrival home from work to prove if I had been watching television all day  long and therefore accusing me of  ‘wasting electricity’,” another woman confessed.
These things are laughable but have been happening and have continued to do so especially for women who are full-time housewives since they do not work and have no income of their own.
While it is important for people to live within their means, there is no justification for a spouse to financially bully each other in the name of financial saving.
The marriage vows state that ‘for richer, for poorer’, therefore, spouses should learn to put up with each other’s needs and not bicker and argue and feel resentful when it comes to issues of money.
No doubt, it is tough when one spouse is not working and reasonable economising is encouraged as long as it does not end up in being financial bullying of the other spouse.
The love between the two people should keep them together in hard times, and not break them apart.
There are some men who can never take their wives out on a social outing  all because they are not keen to spend because they feel going out is wasting money.
Some men are ever asking their wives how much money they have spent for even the smallest things they have bought.
These men want to control every coin in the home and this is usually very frustrating to their wives and is making them fall out of love with them.
When wives complain, these men see that as nagging and such problems remain unresolved and could cause marital problems which may lead to gender-based violence (GBV).
The bottom line, however, is that couples should be aware of how much they earn in the home and what all the bills are to find the best way to support their home.
The case of one spouse controlling the money while the other one has no say is a problem and experts refer to it as economic abuse.
In her article ‘Are you married to a Miser?’, Judith Woods says money is a source of tension in most troubled marriages.
She observes that some wives go to the extent of wishing  for divorce so that they can have the freedom to spend their money than they ever did when they were married.
Ms Woods explains that despite earning more money than their wives, some men refuse to pay maids’ salaries, children’s school fees and groceries for home.
She says that in such homes, money for groceries can even lead to arguments and later lead to GBV.
Ms Woods further points out that while stories of husband stinginess makes funny reading, actually living with a tight-fisted man can be hugely stressful for a woman.
According to her, new research by the website inside divorce.com, on the reasons why couples split showed that in 44 per cent of troubled marriages, money was a source of tension and in half of these cases the difficulties focused on disagreements over how to spend it.
“If a man is tight-fisted then it will have a huge impact across the board and your relationship will suffer,” she said.
Many men who are mean will rarely give a woman a gift claiming she is too difficult to buy for and they also get into a bad mood whenever given water and power bills at home.
One woman narrated how her husband used to go to the extent of switching off bathroom lights when she was bathing in the evening just to save on electricity!
Such men, despite their huge earnings, refuse to replenish food supplies or even furniture to make their homes comfortable because they believe it is a waste of money.
Ms Woods describes this behaviour as unattractive to these people’s partners.
She quotes relationship counsellor Christine Northam, who explains that an unwillingness to spend money despite a healthy bank account has less to do with financial prudence than a deep-seated need to be in control.
“To some degree it is relative, one person’s meanness could be another person’s generosity, but very often control of money is a power issue within a relationship,’ says Ms Northam.
She says being mean about what is spent can be a way of dominating your partner and dictating how they live.
“If a man’s behaviour leaves his wife or partner feeling disempowered or bullied, then it is a problem that needs to be tackled,” she said.
One of the great frustrations felt by those married to misers is that a spouse may be stingy when it comes to the family budget, but see no contradiction in buying himself goodies.
Ms Woods explains that this fundamental difference in priorities can cause much heartache for women who do not have their own source of income and wholly depend on their partners for survival.
And quoting Professor Nigel Nicholson of the London Business School and author of Managing The Human Animal, Ms Woods says that fear is a key component of excessive thriftiness.
“People who do not come from a moneyed back-ground often find it hard to come to terms with the fact they have money and are frightened of losing it.
“They are also afraid of growing flabby and soft and losing the edge and the hunger that got them where they are and is part of their identity, so they might well cultivate an attitude that always points on waste and luxury,” Professor Nicholson says.
He advises that tackling a mean partner head-on about money will definitely lead to confrontation seeing things from his perspective will yield better results.
“See it from his perspective and try and understand what motivates him. If that motivation is a fear of loss, then talk to your husband in terms he understands,” he says.
The truth however remains that being a financial miser makes the other spouse lose respect for you and leads to broken relationships.
At the end of it all however, most women married to mean spouses eventually develop their own methods for extracting money from their reluctant husbands.
These women use their husbands’ ATMs without their consent and do not show them the statements. Others use constant nagging until they are given the much needed money.
Others still, use pillow talk promises just to extract money from their mean spouses.
“For me, I waited for the divorce settlements which came in thousands and now I have all the freedom to spend his money the way I want,” one woman said.
It is necessary to note that it is possible to tame a stingy spouse. Relationship experts advise a woman to sit the husband or partner down and have a frank talk about her priorities in life.
Do not be confrontational but simply explain how his pre-occupation with saving money is affecting you and the relationship.
Visiting a counsellor together, talking it over might shed some light on the difference in your perspectives and help agree on a compromise.
It is also important to re-assure the husband that you have no intention to empty his bank account, but you would like more flexibility in the use of finances in the home.
Some couples choose to open a joint account for the sake of accountability while other men tend to hide their pay slips away from their wives for selfless reasons.
“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24:3-4) so couples are challenged to work together to develop their financial plans in the home.
The Bible further points out that the husband is called to be the provider and is ultimately responsible for ensuring that his family’s needs are met.
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