Procreation for many in the past had always been the reason why people married.
“Till death do us part” can sound so romantic, but it can also be deadly.
For a long time, we often assume people marry because they are in love or they have found their soul mates.
Evident from the number of Gender Based Violence (GBV) and the divorce cases reported in the media, one can tell that the love connection is only a small part of the story.
It is very common to blame our high rate of marital failure on things like not spending enough quality time together or poor communication among couples.
Yet, there is no end to books, articles, radio and television talk shows and marriage camps that tell us how to improve these and many other aspects of our relationships.
It does not matter the successful committees put in place for one to have a grand wedding, the gifts you receive, or the kinds of guests that attend the colourful occasion.
But because most of us have lived knowing and learning that love is the only right reason why we should marry, completing the journey has come with challenges of violence, disappointments and regrets.
According to the local court office data made available to the media, Zambia recorded 22,543 divorce cases last year compared to 25,851, entered in registries countrywide in 2020.
Among the factors that continue to contribute to increased divorce cases include, lack of respect, proper communication and consultation, infidelity and misunderstandings among couples.
Others are lack of honesty, GBV, insincerity, the disagreement over finances as well as social media and phones that had led to couples divorcing.
GBV has continued to pose a serious threat to public health across the continent and expanding knowledge on how to prevent and respond to it is key.
It is time to put some new tools in our tools box of knowledge that should help address the challenges of intimate relationships that is affecting our society.
Certainly, love remains the main reason why people marry though.
But you need to consider if you and your partner have virtues of support, trust, care, respect, honesty, and friendliness for each other before you walk down the aisle.
These virtues in question reduce the chances of abusing your partner and getting divorced as love only can be misleading.
Some marriage experts feel that it takes more than just a celebration to sustain a marriage union, and there are things to consider before getting married.
You must understand the commitment that you are making to your partner.
Psychologists have observed that some couples have divorced because either partner was psychologically mature enough to “forsake all others” or has other characteristic flaws that were overlooked or not evident during courtship.
In addition, some just got bored or tired of trying to make it work.
Still others earnestly worked and gave their all to the marriage but their partner decided he or she wanted out.
Couples who understand the essence of making a permanent commitment realise that it is much more than just love in marriage and being committed entails to do the daily work of keeping the commitment alive.
Today, marriage counselors are encouraging people not to overlook some habits and think they can change someone once in marriage.
The World Health Organisation (WHO) observes that Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is one of the most common forms of violence against women and includes physical, sexual and emotional abuse as well as controlling behaviour.
Further, IPV occurs in all settings and among all socioeconomic, religious and cultural groups with the overwhelming global burden borne by women.
Intimate relationships play a very significant role in the overall life style of any human being.
This relationship includes feelings of liking, romance, sexuality or sexual relationship, emotional or personal support between mates.
There are many things to consider before getting married and having a healthy and happy relationship bordering on honesty from both partners is important.
Dishonesty in courtship, will not sustain a marriage for instance, it is better to be honest about how a partner is stingy with their money than suggesting you like them but don’t see a future with them or worse still embarrassing them as belonging to the stingy men association.
Equally, it is better to be honest with your partner about their poor spending pattern than deciding not to give them any resources for housekeeping.
Trust is a very important virtue in a relationship, it is a feeling that empowers people that relying on something, everything will be positive.
We all need trust to build a healthy relationship and when partners build a solid partnership based on trust they learn to depend on each other.
Psychologists are aware that it is trust that allows us to navigate the uncertain and complex world we live in today and with the rise of social media, mobile phones, it is so much easier for people to connect or spend more time with others other than their families and partners.
It is through this trust that couples will not pry in their partner’s phones, dairies to check for messages or eavesdrop on their conversations with others.
“If you are stuck and feel that you cannot even trust your own judgment then this is the time to seek professional counseling, for those who are not in any relationship, perhaps this is not the time to start a new relationship until you address the challenges of trust affecting you,” Caution Psychologists
Respect as a virtue in relationships, is one element that marriage counselors have continued to emphasise on.
Described as a feeling of deep admiration for someone, partners are encouraged on how to treat respect each other and the need for one to be mindful of how they communicate with each other through their behaviour.
All relationships experience differences in opinions but what is important, is to maintain and remain respectful of each other and trust their judgments.
The gender based violence being seen in the community is due to the imbalance of power which results in partners having the authority over the other hence, lacking respect for one another.
Support is one important virtue that partners need to exhibit when in a relationship.
Some partners need the emotional support which can reduce the stress and the tension in a home.
You could be married or in courtship with a partner who has to go through so much pressure from the employer or family challenges and a supportive partner can come in handy by complementing or recognising what is happening instead of adding a list to mental health and suicide cases being reported.
As we engage in relationships with so many expectations, let us ensure that we embrace the virtues required to sustain and manage it.
For partners experiencing challenges we can always seek counseling as embracing virtues while we interact in our relationships are important for a healthy marriage and together as partners, we can conquer all forms of abuse.
For comments jessiengm@gmail.com.