By JESSIE NGOMA –SIMENGWA –
MANY times, falling in love and settling down rarely gives us a chance to think about effects of things like past trauma experienced either by ourselves or our partners.
Naturally, getting to know someone in a relationship and later imagining living with them for the rest of your life feels like a test of boundaries that has to be adjusted to.
But the reality is, some of the abuse experienced in homes, schools, community and workplaces could be hidden emotional response of past experiences that people may be protecting themselves from.
Disclosing pastor childhood trauma with a new romantic interest can come with challenges.
As for sexual trauma, it may add a step of vulnerability and can be traumatising in itself.
There are so many reasons why someone might be hesitant to share their trauma with you, but it is important for us to notify our future partners about the trauma we encountered in our childhood or past relationships.
For some, it could be the divorce of parents at a young age, having an abusive alcoholic parent, witnessing a car accident, relationship disappointment, and neglect of a guardian or parent or just physical assault.
Trauma is described as anything that occurs outside the normal existence of an individual in which there is some sort of stress response.
A 2017 World Health Organization (WHO) report found that Zambia had only six psychiatrists, three psychologists and 1.43 mental health nurses per 100,000 people.
In addition to this, the worldwide median, according to the organization, is nine mental health workers per 100,000 people, though the challenges of psychiatrists and psychologist in Zambia still has a big gap that needs attention ifvictims of trauma are to heal and blend positively in society.
The positive side of social media has continued to show us through some posts created by victims of rape, violence, mental and other social challenges that affect society, how important it is to open up if you are a victim of trauma.
In my counseling experience, I did come across a couple with one partner who did not want her husband to know her family.
A few months after marriage, the behavior exhibited by the traumatized partner revealed that the families she introduced her partner to while the couple was in courtship and later into marriage, revealed that they were not her relations in any way.
The young woman was a victim of neglect who grew up in different homes of people that helped her survive, until she become independent.
Aware of her past experience, it took time before she could speak out about the traumatic emotions that she lived with knowing that her mother’s neglect and a runaway father resulted in her growing up not knowing their whereabouts.
Childhood emotional neglect does not go away just because one is now an adult.
Knowing that your family did not raise you because they were unavailable is a painful experience.
Some people might take years before sharing something traumatic while others may be open, talking about their personal experience just after a few days of dating.
Psychologists observe that the right time to share is when one feels completely comfortable doing so and trust the person to react in a positive and encouraging way.
However, if something traumatic happened to you and you have not shared it with your future partner, it can be hard to achieve closeness and true intimacy once you walk down that aisle.
Studies show that spouses who have suffered sexual trauma and have not dealt with it go on outwardly, while secretly struggling in their marriage.
Whether it involves a sexual assault, Gender Based Violence (GBV), a traumatic loss, a medical trauma, emotional abuse, it has been observed that victims of trauma may worry about how their partner will react or how they may perceive them differently once they learn about their traumatic experience.
This is why a partner may not bring up a particular trauma to you in normal conversation, and why it may surface when you least expect it.
For instance, victims of sexual abuse find it hard to talk about sexual trauma because they feel people will not believe them and it can also change how the people will think about them.
It is important to note that entering a relationship with someone who had a traumatic experience which resulted from a painful past or child experience may result into an unhealthy relationship that may lead to violence or lack of honesty and trust.
Some people might take years before confessing something traumatic, while others might feel comfortable talking about highly personal things after a few months.
From my findings while counseling, I have noted that dealing with victims of trauma is not about dealing with them as victims, but as survivors who endured the experience and still have the courage and drive to continue to face what life brings ahead of them.
What may arise for victims of trauma is the thought of choosing to disclose their past or not as there are chances of a partner not understanding, believing or responding in a negative manner.
Psychologists have noted that victims of trauma own their story and the decision to disclose to whom they feel comfortable with is entirely their choice.
It is important to note that if you decide to share your experience of trauma with a partner as a test of someone’s love for you, it can be a set up for emotional disaster.
Psychologists have guided victims of trauma to disclose by starting with general statements, such as, “I wanted you to know that I experienced physical abuse in my previous relationship. I’m not ready to disclose all the details, but I will appreciate every support rendered.”
For couples who still have challenges of disclosing their past and feel the trauma is getting in the way of a once happy marriage, seeking therapy would be the best option.
Similarly, the first step in disclosing your trauma may free you from carrying a heavy load from the past and open up a new healthy page for your mental well being.
The consequences of any traumatic experience or hiding from friends, family or future partners, and failure to seek audience with a counselor, may result into ongoing stressful events and an environment that may affect one’s relationship.
For comments jessiengm@gmail.com