Keeping adult dependents in a home can be challenging.
If the necessary changes are not made, this can be toxic over time, leading to problems between partners.
What is common among couples is that they have been on the soapbox of announcing their displeasure about an adult dependent who cannot meet their expectations.
Family is important in an African society, with most people living in households that not only include the nuclear members, but also other extended family relations.
Families undergoing tremendous changes have been affected in many aspects partly due to modernisation.
I received an email from Kathy (not real name), who was at pains to explain the challenges she was facing with adult dependents she found living with her husband.
Kathy said she and her husband had been keeping three of her husband’s sibling’s dependents for the past six years.
The dependants are aged between 25 and 30 years, but they do not show any plans of being independent.
“I have tried to create a family environment, but because they have been living with him earlier than me. There is always constant struggle, which has affected my relationship with my partner. Kindly advice,” Kathy’s email read.
This mail reminds me of our local television show – Mpali – where Jairos, one of the actors, accommodates his brother who becomes a dependent in his home but later gets attracted to his wife.
Adult dependents are often over 18 years and these may include grown up sons and daughters or elderly relatives that may be living with you and these are usually not liable for paying rent under a normal arrangement.
In fact, if you share rent and other household commitments, they cease being dependents and are to be treated as equal partners with a defined programme.
However, it is important to understand that not all dependents were causing problems, but there is serious need for marriage counselors to attend to this matter when counseling couples entering marriage so that the inevitable is avoided.
According to Kasongo Mwansa, who is a marriage counsellor, keeping adult dependents can come with so many challenges if not addressed with caution, particularly for newly married couples.
Ms Mwansa said extended families are part of our culture in an African society, but ultimately, dependents, whether they are your children, siblings or relatives, when under your roof, need to live by your expectations.
She said what is happening today is unfortunate because partners do not discuss how long their dependents will be a part of them until a time when they become independent.
“Taking care of dependents must not be viewed as a Western concept, but must be discussed in any relationship as this can be a menace and cause conflicts for partners later in future,” Ms Mwansa said.
She said, “Imagine keeping adult dependents who are capable of managing their own homes. This can be stressful beyond belief especially when your partner, who is their relation, always sides with them.”
She said in certain instances, people have seen the adult dependents creating a second home within the house by cooking their own meals at a time that suits them, coming home late and failing to tidy their own space.
“In addition, we have witnessed women keeping their siblings who cannot even participate in house chores and all this brings tension in the house,” she said.
The marriage counselor said similarly, dependents too feel like their space or privacy has been invaded as they have to adopt to a new setup that they find themselves in.
As a result, they have insecurity.
She said it is difficult to control adults who are dependents and when a particular partner related to the dependent who is at fault decides to side with their relation, it is this kind of action that is viewed as a weakness to an extent that intimacy is affected.
Ms Mwansa said it is important to note that intimacy is the first to go when there is tension among partners because no one wants to be intimate in an environment that is hostile and threatens their happiness or peace.
She expressed sadness about the adult children being kept in homes who have lost focus, such boys abusing alcohol while the girls are now loitering in local neighbourhoods.
She said most of them have good results but have failed to pursue their tertiary or university, while others, who have not performed to the expectations, decide to be at home and these are the adult dependents that couples, parents and other guardians are grappling with.
Ms Mwansa said some problems are self-created especially when there is need for someone to fill up the gap of a busy work schedule, which leads to failure to let go of these dependents even when they reach a stage where they are in employment.
“We all started from small beginnings, but we had to become independent and responsible adults at some stage in our lives. Imagine an employed male partner or one with an income lower than that of their female partner, being told by his wife’s dependent that the house and everything does not belong to him because his wife provides for everything.
What about that wife constantly being reminded by an adult dependent that the house belongs to his brother. These and many other encounters are experienced when adult dependents interfere,” she said.
Further, Ms Mwansa is sad about news of adult dependents fighting with their siblings’ partners and older children beating their parents, stealing from them and manipulating them in different ways.
“We have the unfortunate aspect of keeping adult dependents and this has separated couples, leading into divorce as their homes are ruined by adult dependents,” she said.
Ms Mwansa said it is the duty of marriage counselors to counsel partners on how to treat and care for adult dependents, putting into them into consideration until a time they are weaned off.
“Couples too, must engage adult dependents on how they expect them to conduct themselves and the importance of setting boundaries if we are to continue caring for our families through the extended family,” she said
As we try to live in harmony with our dependents, let us learn the positive things from modernisation that can build our families.
We have so many partners that are hurting, leading into Gender based Violence (GBV) and having failed to heal, while others have failed to open up from psychological trauma resulting from the tension of keeping adult dependents.
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