Let’s face it, dating for young single parents wishing to settle down in today’s society is so hard that one may have to get past different partners, from abusive to irritating and irresponsible ones.
The list can be endless.
It is in the midst of the selection process, when you want to settle down that you may find that one person who makes life meaningful for you decides to reject your child even when they knew about it from the beginning.
Notably, how a single parent socialises before they had a little child to take care of should certainly be different when it comes to love, especially when they are in a relationship with someone who is not the child’s biological mother or father.
In my interactions with some young women, I have heard that they have done a tonne of healing over the years, yet the reality still sears their soul because they have trouble trusting anyone or letting people get close to them.
The story of step children and blended homes also reminds me of another woman who openly revealed, that the older she got, the more she looked back and resented her parents for living her with her grandparents.
Being a step father or mother can be challenging but it is important to have an honest conversation with your partner before you commit yourself to marriage.
Perhaps for some partners, it is the thought of dealing with an ill-mannered child or their negative attitude shown towards you during the period you dated the partner.
But it may also be your partner’s attitude that the child or children may have to deal with, which may eventually affect your relationship at some point.
For some men, feelings clouded with insecurity and jealousy can be so strong when it comes to dealing with their partner’s former partner because of the child involved.
On the other hand, for some women, because of their vulnerability which leads them to be desperate for marriage, they pretend of and portray that “I will be the loving step mother”.
The challenge can be more stressful when you are dealing with a partner who has not had their own child.
There is no right way to be a step parent as, over time, one will get to raise the child accordingly.
If you don’t want your partner’s child to be part of your home, do not take advantage of their vulnerability by attaching conditions to it.
Giving conditions to your partner has been one of the contributing factors to abuse and gender-based violence in some blended families.
Some comments on a radio stations and different social media platforms regarding the cruelty of stepfathers and mothers, clearly indicate how there is so much abuse and violence taking place in some blended homes.
In certain instances, it is not about cruelty but simply one resenting their partner’s child hence creating tension in a relationship.
Granted, that some discussants and callers to the phone-in programmes, including the respondents on social media platforms, may have a reasonable explanation about the conduct of some step children.
However, this does not give them the right to give conditions that they would only marry their partner if they abandon their child or find a different place to stay.
And a customer in a boutique buying clothes for his children simply told the shop attendant who did not ask for extra details that he wanted to get an addition pair of jeans trousers for her step son.
The general view is that while some people may want to marry partners with a child or children, given a choice, they would choose not to accept responsibility of living with and taking care of a step child.
Technically, your step child is your daughter or son.
You do not owe people any explanation.
This may only when certain important events or circumstances require you to state the relationship.
In a similar circumstances, a month, I received a young woman who had lived in my neighborhood some years back visited me and wanted me to help her look for a house where she could live with her daughter.
“I am looking for any small habitable and affordable shelter in your neighborhood as it will be near my daughter’s school and my business place because my husband does not want to continue living with my daughter.
“Today he wants my daughter to leave because he is insecure every time my daughter goes for holidays at her biological father’s place,” she explained.
I have observed with sadness how single women are torn apart as they have to choose between getting married to the love of their life and leaving a child with their parents or other relatives.
It is important to know that once you accept a woman or man who has disclosed their child or children in your relationship and wish to settle down with them, remember that you need to accept their child or children too.
You don’t have to be a substitute parent to a step child if they have a responsible biological parent.
Because of the attachment you have to your partner, you will still need to offer support in any form.
Today, we still have people in society who are now parents and have not healed from the trauma and decisions their parents made that affected their psychological well-being.
So, in addressing the challenges of abuse and violence in some homes, we need a clear understanding of how to trace where the abuse and violence emanates from.
Whatever it may take, as a single parent, you deserve all the love for both you and your child and that love should never come at the expense of your children’s emotional well-being.
Like they say, what should work for you should work for them and is what will make society a healthy place for everyone.
For comments jessiengm@gmail.com