I HAVE decided, having explained the circumstances of my dismissal from the International Institution, to now concentrate on life away from that wonderful place lest I start sounding very much like a case of sour grapes.
Of course I still have great friends and other colleagues up there who will probably still feature prominently in my life and still share in some of our wild, if not weird escapades.
My wife Amake Pachikani is visibly worried and prays more fervently than ever before about me and the situation we find ourselves in as a family. She says the devil is at work in my life, has always been, and that my failure to heed to her wise counsel about repentance of my sins has finally led to the wrath of God being exacted on me.
She says God had blessed me immensely but all the time, I repaid Him by indulging in the most unthinkable acts, one after another, and my loss of employment, even though I was blaming it on Mr Paul Mabesere, was just reward for my unrepentant heart.
As you may already have guessed, she wants me to recant my sins here and now, promise that I will never deliberately sin again but instead pursue a life of righteousness, dependent all the time on God’s wise counsel for my every action.
She reckons I need salvation more than anything else through repentance of my sins, being baptised in water and in the Holy Ghost after which all should be well with my soul and things get even better than what I had lost!
Now that’s easier said than done for the likes of me and my ilk. Look, I wish I could do things the way my wife is suggesting. It’s not even like I am one who doesn’t believe in God.
I do believe He exists and that His son Jesus Christ died for my sins up there on Golgotha and that I can and should be saved by simply believing in and accepting Him as my own personal Saviour.
The riddle for me, the dilemma, the challenge is HOW I can successfully live the way I ought to live seeing that I have tried it before and have always failed miserably and reverted to the love for beer and its resultant scandalous offshoots.
Isn’t it a pity and shame that whoever made the rules for admission into Holy Heaven excluded from the list of prerequisites all the things that make us happy and joyful?
For example, I have my wife at home and can enjoy sex with her without that act being used to bar us from entering heaven. But truth be told that having beautiful Amake Pachikani in my backyard, in my bed ready for me anytime I want sex (as well-trained as she is by typical Zambian Alangizi), that does not in reality make all other women ugly.
Every few meters I take from home, I am bound to come across someone even more beautiful than my wife and the eyes have no choice but to stare while the mind thinks solidly about the strange things I could do with such a one as I perceive! I mean it’s only human to want to possess attractive things.
How I truly wish God had made it impossible for satan to tempt us in such a manner using such cheeky audacity things he didn’t even make himself. I know this attraction to other people than our spouses applies to many.
In fact, some colleagues, both male and female have married the most good-looking and charming fellows but when they take them to bed, you would think you are asking your pillow for sexual favours: Desperately boring! Pick another partner, even by the accident of being drunk, and you wake up to the realisation, particularly those who don’t forget what they did while very drunk, that you are married to a perpetual bore, while there lie real thrills in extra-marital unthinkables!
Which thereafter causes you to keep repeating the act! And those in Heaven call it sin and hold it against you. Hey man, this needs a
rethink up there! We sin because sin is exciting! Imagine how many people would become holy overnight if extra-marital unthinkables were deliberately, as part of nature, suddenly made to result in pain instead of thrills! We are being short-changed by the guys up there in
Heaven allowing the greater majority of sins to consist of things that are very enjoyable. My wife can’t shake her waist at a Zaiko Langalanga concert and dance with great pleasure and abandon because the moment the Bishop sees a picture of her in the Sunday Times dancing happily, she will be thrown out of that church, condemned as a sinner here on earth as in Heaven.
That Spin and that Castle Lite or whatever it is people love to drink daily for their own little moments of voluntary madness is all deemed unacceptable and the gates to heaven are slammed shut in your face!
That’s why Dexter Kabotolo says he wishes to negotiate to go to hell instead, voluntarily, provided that those who choose to live in Heaven do not toss tongues of fire into hell!
“Ndiye democlassy kabili (That’s democracy),” he argues. “They say God is a democrat and allows us to choose. But why torch our chosen dwelling place when we choose to go there where we have chosen, where there is drinking and dancing… in hell?”
I know that Stakes ‘Girls’ Chitambo would have similar views except he fears God. He fears to utter blasphemous things. Though he has backslidden, he did have a huge anointed stint once upon a time when his levels of faith had reached such a high he turned our office into a hospital conducting miracle healing sessions at will and with such
ease!
He knows and understands the Bible. All the same, without being blasphemous, sin is sweet guys and that’s why most of us will be scorched in that eternal fire.  I actually believe the greater majority of those living or even just acting holy are doing so for fear of death. They want to live forever, look at them! That’s all there is to this holy thing, I tell you.
They are motivated by the selfish desire to not die and let others be born and live their part on this earth. They want to fill up this place permanently with THEM! They don’t enjoy living that boring holy life without our booze and our dancing and our dirty joking and all the rest.
Once they get to heaven and they are guaranteed of life forever and ever Amen, I strongly believe there will be efforts to send emissaries to the Creator to speak for them so He could tone down and allow those who specialised in food and beverage science while on earth to recreate those great wines, whiskies and get a few saints intoxicated to add some life and excitement to the Holy dwelling place!
I tell you there might even be another rebellion in Heaven as some of those who persevered on earth find that persevering even in Heaven becomes too much and they want to build guitars, pianos, drums and have a few vicious waist-wriggling dances on Friday and Saturday nights!
Waal, look how I got carried away with speculation! That’s why I think Amake Pachikani is not likely to convince me to join the holy bandwagon of saints simply because I have lost my job. I am still looking around for ways of keeping myself busy, alive and going, without perhaps necessarily maintaining the status of “Imbecile or
total idiot when drunk”.
And listen: I am still available if you have a drink and dance party. You will not regret inviting me so long you know how to control drunks who forget their names and where they have come from once they have filled themselves up to the neck with alcoholic beverages! -Mixture Njombwinjo is on Facebook.