JUST look at you! Why does it bother you that I am desperately possessive over my wife?
I hear you say I am so promiscuous myself so I should be the last to block my wife from having a bit of fun herself with someone other than me, like I myself do. Alah!
Who told you that promiscuous people should let their partners go free-ranging themselves?
That’s stupid! There will be so much meaningless adultery and fornication in the name of revenge. You don’t see the problem you will create by stopping promiscuous people from being possessive and tracking the movements of their partners?
Just look at you!
In any case, how many times will I tell you that I only fall to the sin of fornication and adultery when I am too drunk to know where I am and what I am doing?
Do you want me to prove to you that in many cases I actually believe that I am lying next to my wife when I do the things I do and only get the shocks after sobering up and finding it’s some veritable warthog or hippopotamus in whose bed I am?
Of course that’s the case.
Why are you so troublesome over a holy wife who is not even yours? She is not your sister or daughter either so why get so concerned about her welfare or status in the House of Njombwinjo?
Do you think you are wiser than her?
No, you are not! She is wiser than you because she knows I only get messed up by huge doses of alcoholic beverages. That’s why she hangs
on in there. She knows that in the real sense it’s not me but the alcohol that fornicates and commits adultery! Don’t argue because you
are never there when all these things are happening, uh-uh!
This is the problem with you people. You like concluding and making wrong conclusions for that matter. Fine, you say I risk contaminating
her with all sorts of viruses from the tavern and bar partners I do shindigs with but again, that is not your problem. It is our problem,
Amake Pachikani and I.
For all my foibles, have you ever heard her cry foul and tell you or any of our neighbours or relatives that she is having to queue up at
Chainda Clinic for jabs because I had soiled her with syphilis or gonorrhea? If anything, you, my accuser are probably the one hiding your sins and messing up your partners with multiple strains of both syphilis and gonorrhea. Of course you wouldn’t admit, would you? I know you very well!
I do make it a habit to take HIV tests every six months. What? You worry that I will run out of blood having some of it drawn out of my veins for tests that frequently? That’s laughable, my man! I know that you are just teasing because you know pretty well the blood they get is so little it can have no effect on me unless you suggest the township mosquitoes have been drawing too much in daily doses of my
blood and I am headed for a hospital bed with malaria… in which case I should go arguing with the folks at the Ministry of Health who have declared that Lusaka is a malaria-free zone, that whenever you have it, you must have imported it from elsewhere and brought it into our capital city!
Well… whatever that means, maybe the ‘squitoes’ have become impotent and their bites are minus venom because we have plenty of them chewing off bits of our ears. Talk about that, I wonder why they prefer to pass by your ear and make those unholy noises whenever they come for
their meal, these ‘squitoes’. Imagine if we all had to buzz and disturb everybody whenever we arrived for our pizza …!
Can’t they surely just take their bite quietly, from whichever part of the body, but preferably not the ear so that they don’t awaken us and
fly away? In any case, can someone tell these foolish little blood sucking pests that there is likely to be more blood on my arm, near
some vein, or even on my backside, than on the hard ear!
But anyway, like you who likes chiding me for being possessive over my wife, these silly ‘squitoes’ wont listen, thinking it is their
business to bite and eat whichever part of my body they wish, like you insist it is your business to tell me off because I am the most promiscuous husband you have ever met who is at the same time so keen on stopping anybody else from reaching his wife.
I told you she is mine. You have no idea what she is to me, I mean emotionally as a friend, a pal, a companion, and a mother of some of my children. You have no idea what she is to me in the marriage and even in the marriage bed. You have no idea. And I don’t want any of you trying to find out.
I don’t want anybody experimenting and bringing confusion in my sweet marriage. Some of you wear stupid charms around your waist when you touch other people’s wives, it’s finished. They will never think their husbands are anything but scrap paper. So stay away. My wife is mine.
That is holy ground, so, no games near it or else you will be scorched!
If you insist on being either nosy about me and her, or if you make the worst mistake you can make against me by going after Amake Pachikani you can bet all your new and old underpants, I will hack you! With what, you ask, being the naughty fellow that you are? You think I am joking?
No sir. I will load you in the boot of a car and drive out of town.
When it’s dark and I know nobody will disturb, I will turn you into a play thing my man. I will buy a whole packet of Peter Stuyvesant 20
and make sure each cigarette stick burns out on selected parts of your body, one by one. I am dead serious, so don’t dare me and cry afterwards.
I will hack you.
She is my wife and MINE alone, did you hear? You are laughing? That’s not hacking but burning, you say? I know that, stupid! If I hack you
with a panga, I don’t want people mistaking you for an opposition party cadre and marching in the streets carrying your coffin and
blaming some other political party for it.
Don’t you know that common crimes are now passing for political violence? Fellar I will hack you Jo’burg style. I will torture you.
Panga? No chance. It’s very easy to start a civil war here over your dead body if I hack you in the true sense. I will hack you with my
cigarette box.
And you can be sure that when I am done with you, even if I leave you alive, you may admire Amake Pachikani as much as you wish but you will
not have the necessary tools to again effect any marriage interference acts in the House of Njombwinjo! Or…anywhere else for that matter. -njombwinjo@yahoo.com