I CAN assure you pazafamunthu (someone will die)!  I still don’t believe it’s the right thing to do nominating other people’s wives to go with you for conferences or whatever in the United States of America without prior consultation with their husbands.
My wife is adamant that I am misbehaving and she doesn’t appreciate it at all.  She insists this is just a church program and that I should be very proud that out of so many other women or wives, she is one of the few that the Pastor has picked to go with him to the United States.
She says it shows that she is a trusted woman among many and has prospered in things of God.  That’s how she merits her selection to go with the boss. She also argues that there will be other women on the trip and that I should only have cried foul if she was the only one going with the Pastor.
Of course she also mentions the fact that I myself used to travel to many countries outside Zambia, that she never complained or raised the issues I am raising so really, in all fairness, why should I want to block her, just this once, from going to the United States of America?  I tell you I feel bad about this latter point. It’s true it would be nice for my wife to go touring interesting parts of the world like the famous US of A!  But my worry is one and simple. And you know it, anyway.  I am not the type that feels it’s ok to assume that it’s ok.  If you see what I mean, my wife may go and behave herself perfectly well, enjoy every official business, come back with a skill and be happy she saw Obama’s country from within.  But there is the other side.  Suppose she is convinced by some stupid man that the trip will not be complete unless she also indulges in some illegal sex with him?  I will lose out!  So, not to take chances about losing out, the wife stays home.   She is not going anywhere! I must protect what is mine.
She tells me the Pastor is so disappointed with my stance especially that to him, I offered no explanation as to why my wife cannot go on the trip.  I hear he is coming to see me personally.  Good.  I will tell him it’s either he includes me on the trip or AmakePachi remains.  Why should I go at the expense of genuine church members who should benefit from such rare opportunities?  If anything, I am still a known open sinner with little chance of receiving salvation! I have constantly ignored those who have tried to disciple me, systematically escaping their dragnet and going on with my drink shindigs and the inevitable sexually promiscuous patterns that are the known aftermaths of my drunkenness.  So how do I merit a church trip to the USA at the expense of saints who have deservedly earned it?  I know that’s what you will all be saying.
The answer is simple:  I must accompany my wife to protect her from potentially beingseduced by lecherous men in the congregation, or chancers she may meet in the USA.  I must go with her and offer protection. If you don’t protect your wife because you think she is trustworthy, she is a woman of substance then you don’t know the Devil!  Bazapitapobanzako(they will work on her, your friends)!  Before you know it they will be boasting at the pub that Mrs Njombwinjo is not as holy as hefashions her out to be and that they took her and did whatever and whatever-not-else!
I know you like condemning me but you guys let’s be realistic.  Just put yourselves in my shoes.  Just for a while imagine your beloved wife out in the USA on official duties but in her free time, she is happily in the arms of your Bishop!  Just imagine the (blurry) man of God making your wife very excited and pleased while you are baby-sitting in Lusaka! Just imagine her becoming happier by the day with his excellent romantic skills which he mustered while he was still a sinner (well, he still IS a sinner, if he is taking apples off the tree that is your wife without your permission)!  Just imagine coming back from the trip, back in your bed, feigning innocence and getting into your arms, andwhile you think you have excited her with whatever your performance, all the time she is imagining you are the Bishop!  Yes, she is fantasizing and thinking fondly of the Bishop’s marvellous though sinful expertise at bed time!
If meanwhile the Bishop is equally bored of his wife and finds your wife terrific, then it’s all over for your marriage!  When they return, this bad thing which started by accident in the USA will continue in Lusaka.  The Bishop will be hiring taxis with tinted windows, throw away his collar, dress like an athlete in track suits, land at some nondescript lodge or motel or guest house where he is least likely to be identified, call your wife and hallelujah things happen over and over.  Maybe until you catch them at their thing.  And when you come home on a day when the Bishop has pleased your wife, she puts on such a big show of being very pleased with you even when you have done nothing extraordinary.  It’s her guilty consciousness at play!  She is all glee, overjoyed with a job done in secret elsewhere!  The Bishop has done it again and he was as excellent as the first and second and third time in the States and …and… There can be no stopping it now unless you cut the Bishop into 100 small pieces!
Those who have experienced such deception, especially women themselves will tell you that on a day like this, when they have their real fill, they will even provoke you into doing things at bedtime that you might not have thought of and make it look like you are the best thing that could ever happen in their lives when ALL the time, the Bishop was flashing on and on (not on and off) in their minds.  So no ways, guys!  I am not allowing my wife.  You just have to understand me.  The risk is too high so I am not allowing the Pastor to walk an inch towards the USA with my wife unless my bags are packed and we are going together!  Period.  I will tell him when he comes.
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Does my life revolve around sex?  Is that what drives me?  I sat in the lounge, watching my wife doing some of her domestic chores and while asking myself these questions.  I became quite uncomfortable when I realised without prompting that the answer IS a definite‘Yes’.  The reason is simple.  My life, in essence, revolves around getting drunk.  It’s always just a matter of time every day before I locate a drinking place or some shop where they sell booze and either sit in the bar, or with my takeaways, wherever I can perch, start imbibing.  And anyway, two other problems complement each other to complete the above picture.  Firstly, I get drunk too easily.  It takes just about five or six beers to turn me into an idiot.  Secondly anyway, once I start drinking, there is no stopping till I am drunk.  In short, I am not that kind who drinks to pass time and so can be happy with two beers, no.  I am one who must get thoroughly ‘zozzled’, ‘belegede’.
With the sad reality about my imbibing leading to insatiable admiration for women of all types of shapes (or should we say my drink awakens such an insatiable appetite for sex), it goes therefore that my life does revolve around sex.  I often ask myself why each time I visit a VCT centre and test for HIV, they all tell me I am negative.  I mean I am such a rake, such a wreck and such a wretched imbecile I never care about protection when I am in that state so how on earth do I avoid the inevitable?  I tell you there are people who will vouch they had unprotected sex only once, when things became too hot in an environment where it was impossible to not do them, but also where there was nowhere nearby to buy condoms, and later they were diagnosed to be positive.
My wife says God is keeping me safe because He has an assignment for my life.  She reckons I might one day be the Saul who became the useful servant of the Lord renamed Paul.  She warns nonetheless that if I don’t take advantage and change my ways, God might become impatient and send down His wrath and sort me out.  Now wait a minute, oh Master.  Please don’t do that.  Don’t sort me out.  I am sure I will change.  The reason I believe I will change is simply that I don’t like what I do.  I don’t enjoy it at all.  I hate it and hate myself when in sober state I realise what I did.
I believe I am a victim of circumstances, possessed by demons of alcohol and sexual immorality.  They must be inside me in their thousands, you know. So whatever day someone succeeds in ordering them out and sending them (ugly foolish creatures) scampering across the beach or the farm into someone ’s innocent pigs or into these bloody loitering dogs that get hit on the road daily, I will be safe and will save the Lord.
I am telling you don’t write me off as yet.  God must …wait!  I might just one day become the Most Reverend Mix Njombwinjo.
Mixture Njombwinjo is on Facebook.