She won’t tell me her sexual past
Published On September 26, 2015 » 3056 Views» By Administrator Times » Letters to the Editor
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Tell me JosephineDEAR Josephine
I have been married to this woman for five years and I can say the relationship is a happy one. I disclosed everything to my wife before we got married, including the number of women I had slept with, which was only six.
She told me she had only had sex with one man – her boyfriend of four years – and I was her second. A few days ago, we were talking about sex and I told her that it is important to know a girl/boyfriend’s past. She then told me her sexual history was “none of my business”.
I told her that her being defensive and argumentative tells me she did not disclose her complete sexual history to me. If she had lied to me about her sexual history I would consider it deception and would no longer trust her. Since she is still attractive, I feel her defensive stance speaks volumes that she could still be cheating on me.
Luke
Lusaka

Dear Luke
If it hurts don’t tell. Even your confession that you have slept with six girls is emotionally destructive. I blame your wife for starting this stupid discussion. See now, already it is eating you up.
If she confesses on how many men she has slept with, how is it going to help your relationship? Believe you me, it will only make you more jealous. If a woman or man confesses to their partner on their earlier relationships, the second question that might arise is how good was the other man or woman in bed?
Why is it preoccupying you so much? Will numbers satisfy you? Or is it qualitative descriptions you are after, a checklist of positions tried?
I would suggest you drop the whole subject altogether.

Dear Josephine
I’m 20 years old and in a relationship. I was raped by a very close relative when I was 16. He cornered me and did it to me telling me not to tell anyone. Though the experience happened sometime back, it has traumatised me, making me regard all men (including my boyfriend) as potential rapists.
Now my current boyfriend wants to be closer and I don’t know if he means sex. Though I can’t deny that he is special to me, immediately he tries to be intimate, the memory of the rape comes flooding back to me.
Sometimes I even feel he has attained the place of the absentee rapist who still haunts me.
VM
Kalulushi

Dear VM
Thank you for trusting me with this sad story. I’m so sorry you’ve had to carry such a difficult secret around with you for four years without feeling you could share it and thereby lessen your enormous emotional burden.
You hopefully know you have nothing at all to be ashamed of and no reason to be embarrassed talking about that experience. It’s easy for me to say, and probably almost impossible for you to comprehend, how much sympathy and support lies within arms’ reach of you.
You need to talk to a friend, family member, respected teacher or a counsellor rather than render this debilitating criminal act hinder your current love affair.

Dear Josephine
Since I became an adolescent, the only boy I have known closely is my step-brother whom I have grown up with.
When we were young, I used to sleep in the same bedroom with my step-brother for the past five years. I think it is during this period when I began developing feelings for him after staying in the same room for years.
Now since we parted for sometime when I went to boarding school where I am doing my final year of school, it has become increasingly difficult to hide my attraction, as we now spend time together studying together during holidays.
I want to put everything on the line for him – even our family. When people ask what I imagine my future to be, I can’t help but think of spending my life with him.
I want to know what his feelings are, but I am scared to open up and get shamed by my family. I honestly don’t know if loving my step-brother romantically is really that bad. I love and desire him with every part of my body and soul. Is this right?
NB
Kitwe
Dear NB
Considering your age, I feel you are just infatuated to your step-brother, something I find to be closer to childhood fantasy than true love.
There’s no opportunity for you to establish whether or not you’re truly attracted to this boy; instead the relationship is virtually being forced on you by this proximity at a vulnerable age.
Traditionally, this attraction is wrong and should be discontinued. In the long run you will be attracted to someone who has no familial relationship with you.

Dear Josephine
I am a 38-year-old woman with two children from two different married men. I was once engaged to this guy whom I found boring and unromantic.
When I broke up the relationship, I got hooked to a married man with whom I have a child. I can assure you our relationship was fantastic.
However, he got a job in South Africa where he relocated with his family. To my surprise, I fell in love with another married man who has also given me another child.
Do I have a psychological problem that makes me only get attracted to married men? Please advise.
Jane L
Ndola

Dear Jane L
As a psychologist, I will answer your question if your situation has to do with a psychological problem that makes you attracted only to married men.
The answer is no. Instead the problem you have is lust, greed and selfishness that qualifies you as an incorrigible husband lover.
Are you aware of the pain you will cause to the wives of the men you sleep with if they discover about these illicit relationships?
Put yourself in the shoes of these women and imagine how you would feel if your husband was cheating on you siring illegitimate children with other women.
Send queries to tellmejosephine@gmail.com

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