Dear Josephine
I have a very loving boyfriend who likes joking and is somehow childish. A month ago, we went out and he got very drunk and started taking pictures of me while we were having sex.
It was all very funny until I woke up the next day and asked him to delete them, but to my surprise he refused.
He kept teasing me and said that now he could do anything he wanted to me because he always had this hold over me, and threatened to put them on Facebook.
I know he was joking, and I don’t think he’d ever do it, but I now feel paranoid about these pictures.
When I ask him to delete them, he just laughs and turns it into a joke. What can I do?
Mulenga
Lusaka

Dear Mulenga
There are some people who use teasing as a way of communicating. It seems to be one of the only ways they can make emotional contact with others. Giving someone a dig in a tender place and getting a rise out of them is a way of getting emotional attention. A bit of knowing laughter and a complicit acknowledgement of what’s going on makes them feel close, but if that’s not forthcoming, a spurt of anger or, even pain, can also make them feel more secure and, in an odd way, loved.
The other thing you can do is to call his bluff. Describe the situation in front of mutual friends. Say that while having sex, he took some photographs of you and refuses to delete them. They will be horrified and he will be unnerved at being socially shamed.
You could, also, simply pinch his mobile phone and delete the photographs yourself.

My new boss is
picking on me
Dear Josephine
I’m 50, and I’ve just got a new boss, a man of 30. I’ve been in the same job for years without any problems, and I get on with everyone, but this man appears to be picking on me. His emails are cold and formal, and he never says good morning to me when he arrives, though he greets other people. I’ve tried to help him understand various ways that the office works, since I’ve been here the longest, , but he brushes me aside. If I make any suggestions, he doesn’t even respond. What can I do?
Patricia
Kabwe
Dear Patricia
There are two possibilities here. The first is, that he is making a deliberate effort to freeze you out. He’s a new broom, who wants to sweep the place clean, and if he can’t do it by being cool and stand-offish with you, his next move will be to criticise every little thing that you do in order to finds grounds for dismissing you. In this case,  it’s time for the diaries, the records and getting other members of staff to back you up when you feel slighted, so it won’t just be his word against yours.
The other possibility, however, is that you remind him of his mother. I’m sure you’ll think I’m being ridiculous in going down what you might think is a counselling-speak route, but many young men of his age can feel immensely threatened by an older woman at work. He’s barely out of short trousers (or feels he is) and has just stepped into a position of responsibility – and blow me, he’s faced with a charming but mother-hen-like woman (you) who, by constantly bending over him and pointing out little things to him, and saying: “Actually, dear, we do it this way”, reminds him instantly of his old mum saying: “Now remember to check your car insurance is up to date … don’t leave your bike out all night – it might get stolen … If you left your dirty shirts in the basket rather letting them pile up in your room, then I might have a chance to wash them for you.”
He’s made to feel infantile all over again.
I would suggest you talk to talk about his behaviour or involve other people.
How can I give up alcohol when all my friends drink?
Dear Josephine,
I’ve decided, at 30, that I must try to stop drinking. I made this resolution when I hit this age a few weeks ago. I can drink moderately for a while, but every month or so I go on a binge and black out – and have often caused havoc while being completely unaware of what I’ve been doing.
All my friends like drink and are looking forward to it as an opportunity to get really out of it.
Any ideas how I can stop?
Christophe B
Livingstone
Dear Christopher
There are a number of ways you could get out of drinking. You could claim to be on antibiotics that mean you can’t drink. You could say that you’ve had a bet with someone that you’re not going to drink, and you want to get the money. You could claim that your doctor has told you: “One more drink and you’re dead”! You could simply be “ill” and not go.
Not drinking will make you clearer-headed and far less ashamed of yourself. You’ll be able to sleep easier at nights, you’ll save a fortune and you will be, and feel, far healthier and more energetic.

My girlfriend wasn’t over her ex so she dumped me
Dear Josephine,
My girlfriend broke up with me after six months because she can’t forget her ex, whom she was with for five years before she met me. She said it wasn’t fair to me to continue. Even so, she’s not back with him, so I don’t think that’s really the problem. I’ve been going out and trying to meet someone else, but the truth is that I’m desperate to get her back. Should we stay in contact? Even though I’m away from home for three months now, we’ve been texting and calling – and she’s instigated it half the time. But how can I make her want me if I don’t see her for so long?
Depressed

Dear Depressed
It’s the usual old question, isn’t it? Is it a case of “Out of sight out of mind?”, as you seem to think it is? Or is it a case of “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
It seems to me that your ex-girlfriend (though is she really yet your ex if she keeps texting and being in touch with you?) is one who is in the latter camp. She breaks up with her ex and, presumably, feels great about it.
She starts seeing you, but, because she hasn’t seen her old boyfriend for a few months, he suddenly becomes, in her memory, a lot more of an attractive proposition. Now she’s split up with you and it looks to me as if she’s settling into the old pattern all over again.
The moment you go away, she gets more interested. She starts texting and calling. Now, believe me, you don’t do that to someone you’re not fond of. You do it to someone who you want to be in touch with.
Someone, dare I say it, that you only appreciate by his absence.
My piece of advice to you is one that is really difficult to take. And it consists of such a corny three words that you’ll probably dismiss it out of hand. But here goes.
Play it cool. However fond you are of her, it’s not an unnatural way to behave.
Look, she’s dropped you like a hot brick – why should you, when she gets in touch, be so quick to respond? You’ve been hurt. Do you want to get hurt again? Keep your distance.
If you feel you can’t bear not to reply to her, wait a week before doing so.
If she rings you, either don’t answer or pick up and quickly say you’ll ring back – and then wait a couple of days. At least. Maybe don’t ring back at all. This will make her digest her actions towards you.
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