THE increasing reports of married men engaging in extra marital affairs are worrying.
It is therefore, safe to assert that these men with a hyper sex drive are merely sex maniacs and not lovers.
In this context, there is a thin line between love and sex.
The men who seem to over-indulge in sex relations do not love their spouses in the same way a prostitute sleeps with men she does not love except for the money that she gets from them.
These men equally get sexual gratification from women they do not love and one can assume that their emotional expression during the sex act is mere impunity.
Some men just have an insatiable sexual appetite and believe sex is guaranteed in a marriage regardless of the wish of the other partner.
This is simply a case of failed gender equality where women are still seen largely as sex objects who should cater for a man’s needs whenever he feels like.
Even if the Bible appeals to women to submit to their husbands, it should definitely not be in this manner.
According to experts, over 80 per cent of women have suffered from some form of sexual abuse.
The experts say a sexually-abusive man won’t necessarily rape his partner in the literal sense of using physical force or threats or harm – though some do.
Instead, he may insult her when she declines his advances, call her names such as “frigid” or “lesbian,” or accusingly say, “You must be getting it somewhere else, since you never want to make it with me anymore.”
He may make her feel guilty about his sexual frustration, tell her that he feels like she doesn’t love him anymore, or say that a man must have his needs met.
Some of these men always check their wives’ private parts to inspect whether they have been with another man.
The Zambian local courts are choking with a lot of such cases where women are demanding divorce from their men who demand sex from their wives throughout the night.
Some men even demanding sex from their wives during their menstrual periods, with some asking for strange positions and expecting their wives to act like pornography stars.
There must be moderation in these issues because overdoing sex play is now bordering on abnormality.
A man is not expected to be hyper in their craving for sex.
Some men have been sued by their wives for divorce on grounds that they just want sex without caring for their women and family.
The women cant put up with their husbands’ ‘abnormal’ sexual appetites and it is important for men to realise that women are not sex slaves but should be treated as partners.
According to the evidence in the local courts, these men demand to have sexual relations with wives even when they are not feeling well and get physical and beat them up when they refuse to submit to their sexual demands.
Sometimes, they even go to the extent of forcing themselves on the women.
“The other day, I refused because I was menstruating but he locked me in the house and forced himself on me even in the state I was in, “one woman told the court recently.
“That one is even better. Mine demands it before going for work, at lunch hour he comes back for it and immediately he knocks off he demands it.
At night he pounces on me. Even during menstruation and at one time I had a caesarian, and he demanded it a week later. The wound became worse and the doctors were furious. I do try to resist at times but he over powers me and rapes me ,” one woman who sought anonymity said.
Some men justify their abnormal sexual demands because they paid lobola or bride price.
“I am a married man and I cannot be asking for sex from my wife whom I share a bed with. My wife always has an excuse each time I ask for my conjugal rights, saying she is not well. She continued with her excuses until I made her submit because I did not marry her to be a robot in bed,” one man told the court.
The court also reminded this man that marriage is not all about sex and that he also needs to be taught how to treat women well.
Some other men spoken to complained that most women are using sex as a weapon to manipulate their husbands by pretending to be ‘sick’ and when the husbands force themselves on them they say it is abuse.
“I mean you should be happy that your husband is demanding sex from you and not outside. It’s also a sign that he is attracted to you and that’s why he wants to have you and not another woman,” one Lusaka man said.
Cultural beliefs regarding marriage assert that being married means consenting to sex.
Even legally, there is little mention of marital rape. This explains why despite many husbands being sexually abusive in their marriages their wives are expected or taught to be tolerant.
Some men even become emotionally violent when they do not get their way.
“My husband refuses to speak to me for days until he gets his way. He becomes impatient with the children until he gets what he wants. He withholds money and makes the family suffer. As a woman, I am very protective of my children so I end up giving in to his demands just for the sake of my children,” one woman disclosed.
One thing that is clear is that demanding for sex in its entirety is not wrong but forcing matters is abuse of the spouse and making her feel as though she were just a sexual object which you own as a husband.
Many women do not talk about this kind of abuse because they are ashamed and in the African tradition it is just taboo since it leads to people condemning a woman for failing to meet her husband’s needs.
Whatever tradition says on this matter, it is important for couples to respect each other’s boundaries and serve each other, not oneself in the relationship.
The Bible in the book of Ephesians 5;21 emphasises the issue of submitting to one another as couples but Saint Paul points out that this should by mutual obligation.
Gender is my agenda.
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