I am having to interrupt the interesting story, “Clotildah: a Harrowing Childhood” just because it’s Christmas and we must deal with the mess that Christmas brings!
For a start, if you were Jesus, and knowing what you stood for when you came to earth, and that still being what you stand for, i.e. uprightness all round, wouldn’t you just come for a short visit back to earth, appear to everyone briefly and make sure they know it is you the Savior, and then decree that Christmas is banned for good because people don’t understand it and instead use it to commit the very sins you died to atone for!
We took a short driveto the nearby Twin Palm Shopping Mall at the other end of Avondale with my wife Amake Pachikani on Friday so we could stock up on just a few luxuries like drinks, meats, rice, spaghetti, biscuits and the like, just so that the twins, Pachikani and Mpachikeni didn’t crucify us for a boring Christmas day, and also, just in case one or more of the village folks from our two different villages in the East showed up on the day expecting to be feted uninvited, which is also not uncommon!
It was amusing, in a sad and sobering way, to witness both young and elderly persons, 48 hours before the day of the Lord, so sloshed at midday they could hardly stand on their feet.
One young man was all mud and filth a pig would be very pleased with his company!
And he was still collecting rubbish because the stagger-collapse-and-rise parade was still ongoing even as one of his very loyal friends desperately tried to keep him from falling by getting him to lean against him as they walked.
The drunken lad was tossing loud obscenities at and threatening to clobber call boys who were laughing at and cheering his over-drunken state.
Frankly speaking, the poor guy was in no state to clobber anything, let alone anybody who was standing sober and straight seeing how effortlessly he was heading to the ground each time his pal didn’t hold him!
Indeed, as one call boy observed after being insulted, you could only hit such a guy if you wanted to spend Christmas or perhaps the rest of your life behind bars.
“Tingamenyepatiapo (where can we hit)?” he asked.  “Yendacabekatundile pa bed mkaziwakoazayanikasinifunakuyendaku ma seloine.Yendaboikagone (Just go and urinate on your bed; your wife will dry the blankets afterwards.  I don’t want to end up in police cells.  Just go and sleep).”
Of course I knew such unruly and embarrassing scenes were everywhere across the country.
It would only get worse as the big day itself approached.  Saturday night was going to be a countrywide overnight party with some in church, some in homes, others in pubs and clubs, all celebrating the birth of the son of God in their different styles!
Can you believe it that our boys are headed to Grade 10?
How time flies!  Since my departure from the International Institution, a good two and half years ago now, I have spoken little about them but they have graduated from being ‘small boys’ to being ‘boys’!
They will be 16 in the middle of next year.  I hesitate to call them rascals anymore because even their behavior is steadily improving.  They are becoming more and more able to reason with each other after differing or over important and unimportant matters alike without resorting to kicking and hitting the hell out of each other.
Even their last school reports before they wrote their Grade 9 exams, underlined the fact that they are behaving better.
The class teacher was particular about that and suggested we use the holiday to mop up any traces or remnants of intolerance and other forms of ill tempers and indiscipline because they were otherwise top class stuff academically.
Yes!  Mpachikeni was always top of the class in English and Civic Education while Pachikani was ruthless at Mathematics and the science subjects!  And for Christmas, they didn’t insist on gifts!
“….if you can afford…” both said in their requests for Christmas presents!
I resisted the boys from the office on Friday and stayed home with my wife.  I told her if she wanted me to not go binging with Stakes, she must lock me in the bedroom and kiss the hell out of me all afternoon!  She did likewise.
She served me two Castle Lites with roast steak right in the bedroom as I watched my favorite TV channel, National Geographic Wild from the smaller TV set in there.  I told the boys not to disturb as I wanted to rest a bit while mum read her Bible in preparation to lead the devotion at church come Christmas.  They said ok, they would not disturb.
So, I took off all my clothes save for the boxer underpants.
“Do you have to undress to drink your beer and eat steak?” she teased?
“I didn’t ask for beer and steak,” I responded.  “I asked for kisses!”
“So you can’t kiss me with your clothes on?” she persisted.
“What if after kissing you, I want you to rub your sweet soft palms all over my body, will I feel you if I have my jeans on?” I fought back.
“You didn’t ask for a massage or anything else.  You said I kiss you all afternoon.”
“Ok, it’s you I want for the afternoon.  The whole of you!  I want to just enjoy everything that other men can just admire about you.  I paid bride price, mind you!”
We laughed and indeed romanced like the good old days when we were still courting.  Did you know that if you put your mind to it, you can enjoy love and sex with your wife of many, many years as if it’s the first time?  Oh yes, and we sure did with AmakePachikani!
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I knew Christmas day would be a mess when I agreed, against my wife’s better judgement, to join Stakes “Girls” Chitambo and Dexter “Tanker” Kabotolo.
They assured my wife as we were leaving at 10hours yesterday, Saturday, that since we had left early, they would definitely drop me home before midnight.
I would have wanted it that way so I could build on the beautiful romance of the previous day and just make my wife happy.  Why or how DeogrataKamugode had convinced these two dimwits that she could be good company to tow around on Christmas eve I will never understand.  I mean that girl or woman is ugly!
Who wants to go to public places and especially if you land in classy ones with a girl whose voice is so hard and hoarse reminiscent of the township hardcore imbiber of all types of opaque brews as well as the illicit 100 per cent alcohol content Kachasu?
And her manners were so rugged before you knew it, she could insult the whole house and/or beat up a few of the smart guys who underrated her.  She alternatively could embarrass you by having sex anywhere in the shadows.
In fact that’s precisely what happened!  By midnight, and I have no idea where that was, I heard a loud noise outside and everyone appeared interested.
When we got there, it was our Deo holding a poor security guard by the throat and trying to squeeze the life out of him.  Interestingly, nobody really seemed keen on stopping the fracas.
On inquiry, I heard she had been doing the deed with I-don’t-know-who and when the guard intervened and interrupted and rudely threatened them for being a public nuisance, her partner performed a quick disappearing act.
Deo instead fell on the guard andparalysed him with such a hold on his neck that his trachea was under threat of disintegrating.
The guard was soon panting for breath as she asked him if his duties were to guard property and stop general unruliness or to stop willing pairs of patrons from enjoying gifts of nature which discrepancies in body (male/female anatomy) allowed them.
“Am I your wife?” she queried him?  “Is that man I was enjoying with here married to your sister or maybe he is yourson?  If not, why should you interrupt, interfere and stop us as if he was raping me when I agreed?
Ulichipubasanatawaishibaincitoyobe(You are just a fool who doesn’t know his duties)!”
We rescued the man and drove off to another place as patrons laughed uproariously at the scene.
We drank.  I danced. I don’t know whatever else I did.  Instead of the early return to my wife, these guys have just dropped me home this morning of Christmas.
My wife saw me arrive and whatever it is she has seen that has not impressed her – I can tell from her countenance – she has angrily gone off to church with the boys and left me sleeping to nurse what will for sure be a daylong hangover.
Later, when I feel less dazed than I am feeling, I will take some of the Castle Lite in AmakePachikani’s fridge, eat some steak and if she agrees, maybe another afternoon of romance again.
My fear is I smell like an abandoned brewery – she exclaimed “Ouuumph” when I passed near her – so chances of kisses for Christmas are very slim.
A merry Christmas to you all!