WHEN grooms have decided to have their marriages done in the Zambian or African tradition, they are expected to follow laid down rules.
Even in Western marriages, there are rule which the grooms have to follow before they could finally go with their brides to be now called husbands and wives, or simply couples.
After the wedding procedures are done, the newly married couples are accompanied to places such as hotels or guest houses where they are expected to stay together as husbands and wives before they could finally go to their homes.
Similarly in the Zambian or African traditional marriages, certain norms are expected to be followed by both the grooms and the brides.
One of the rules is that the brides have to be taken to their grooms’ parents or relatives on agreed dates.
It is not in order for the grooms to go to their parents’ or relatives’ homes on their own to take their brides.
Recently, I and a few friends were invited to a relative’s home in Ndola’s Ndeke Township where a traditional marriage ceremony for his daughter was being arranged.
This ceremony was supposed to be an all-women’s affair where women were preparing different types of food which was to be taken to the groom’s uncle’s residence, the venue of the ceremony.
This preparation of different food stuffs ranging from Western to local traditional dishes is known as icilanga mulilo.
The reason for the preparation of all types of food is to tell the groom that when he visits his bride’s parents’ or relatives’ residence, he has to eat any food that he finds prepared there.
It is at the groom’s parents’ or relatives’ home where the food is taken.
Apart from food, beverages such as sweet beer, traditional and Western beer is taken to that home for the groom for his relatives and friends to enjoy.
Relatives and friends to the bride are not invited to go to the groom’s icilanga mulilo. It is for this reason that my relative decided to invite me and a few other friends to his home where the food to be taken to his daughter’s groom was being prepared.
Although this was not supposed to be a function to be held at his home, he bought a few cases of Castle and Mosi Lagers for his guests.
Long after the women had taken the food and the beverages to the groom’s relatives’ home, we remained at our relative’s home to celebrate the occasion of our relative’s daughter who was to get married in a few days’ time.
The time was around 20.30 hours and we were still celebrating when there was a knock on the door and our relative opened.
Before he could ask the person who was knocking to get in, a young man, probably in his late 20s or early 30s who was standing by the door, staggered in and knelt down.
“Good evening bapongoshi (father-in-law). Forgive me for coming this late,” the young man said.
Our relative asked the young man to get up and take a seat.
Looking rather unsettled, the young man whom we later came to know as the husband-to-be for our relative’s daughter struggled to his feet and sat on the settee opposite where we were seated, and greeted us.
After that, our relative introduced him to us as his son-in-law. This is the young man the food had been prepared for.
From the look of things, the young man had really enjoyed the food and the beer.
But why had he come here at his in-laws’ house and at this late hour?
It was while I was wondering about this that the young man once again apologized to our relative for his coming late.
“Sorry father-in-law. I will be going back to Lusaka tomorrow. I have received a phone call that I am urgently needed at work. I have come to get my wife so that we start off very early in the morning,” said the young man.
Looking puzzled, our relative looked at the guests and then at his son-in-law.
He then excused himself and walked to the other room where some women were gathered drinking and eating.
Shortly, our relative came with an elderly woman who was his mother and the grand mother to our relative’s daughter.
Then our relative asked us to go outside on the verandah so that his mother could remain with his son-in-law to discuss the problem which had just come.
As we sat on the verandah, I heard the elderly woman tell the young man that it was not the right thing he was doing to ask for his wife to go with him.
“It is not you who is supposed to take your wife from here. There are procedures to follow,” the woman said.
Then I heard the young man argue: “She is my wife. I can take her any time I want to.”
As an eavesdropper, I got interested and I wanted to hear more of this argument.
Then the elderly woman came out to the verandah.
She started explaining to our relative that his son-in-law was very drunk and was demanding that he should take his wife.
“But this is not the way things are done. We are supposed to take our daughter to her husband’s parents’ or relatives’ ourselves,” explained the elderly woman.
At this point, our relative asked her mother to call his wife.
When his wife came, he explained to her the problem that had arisen.
It was at this time, when our relative’s wife who looked tougher than his mother, walked into the sitting room where the young man was sitting.
Then we heard the two, mother-in-law and son-in-law engage in a conversation.
“Your bashi bukombe (marriage counselor) and some of your relatives who were here a few weeks ago to discuss this matter set a date on which we have to take your wife to them. According to your counselor and relatives, we are supposed to take your wife to your relatives tomorrow, Sunday. Today is Saturday,” the woman started.
She went on to say “We brought the icilanga mulilo today and tomorrow we will bring your wife. Besides that, it is not even in order for you to come on your own to take your wife according to tradition. Just go back home. We will bring your wife tomorrow,” said our relative’s wife.
But the young man argued that there was no reason for anyone to listen to his counselor or mentor or his relatives because it was not them marrying her daughter.
“You have to listen to me and not my counselor and relatives. I have to take my wife now,” insisted the young man.
As the argument heated up, I heard the voice of a young woman advising the young man to leave and come back the following day.
“You are drunk… Come tomorrow and this problem will be sorted out,” said the young woman whom I guessed was the bride.
The argument continued for some time and when the situation seemed to have normalised, our relative’s wife came out to tell her husband that things were all right and the young man had agreed to leave alone.
Shortly as we were still on the verandah, the young man wobbled out of the house and politely said good night to all of us present before he staggered away into the dark night.
The young man and many others like him did not know what tradition and culture demanded of them. Surely, there is need for sensitization.
For comments: potipher2014@gmail.com.0955929796, 0966278597.