Avoiding the sex before marriage trap
Published On February 15, 2014 » 2754 Views» By Davies M.M Chanda » Features
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Family life logoTHREE months ago I received a phone call from a young lady, this is what she asked, “I am a student at one of the colleges here in Lusaka.  I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year.
We are both 20 and very fond of each other.  We plan to be married when we finish our studies.
To be very honest with you pastor, we’ve had sex several times. I never thought I’d go this far before we get married.  I don’t want to do this anymore since I am a Christian, but I feel trapped. Please help me!”
This cry represents the cry of many foolish young people and old alike in Zambia and the world over.
These singles are trapped in the “sex before marriage” game and they do not know how to get out of it.  This is happening because our morals are eroded by sin.
I am surprised to hear that this young lady claims to be a Christian, if this is true; she is a Christian by name not a practicing Christian.
One of the smartest things one can do to achieve abstinence is to think through your standards and develop a criteria for physical intimacy based on your personal values and God’s Word.
The Bible is very clear on sex outside marriage, “You shall not commit adultery.” This is a sin against God.
Take time for a thoughtful self-inventory and decide what limits you will put on your behavior to obtain the goals you have for your life and future.
Sex before marriage is an issue we need to discuss openly, the Church must come in, parents need to be involved also if we are to help the young people.
Young women must recognise that when they allow intimate kissing and hugging, when they allow a man to touch and fondle their breasts, he assumes that she wants to go all the way.
When she has allowed him to go this far, he takes this as a signal that he can go even farther.
The stopping gets very slippery and blurred and move frightfully fast since all sexual machinery are turned on top gear.
Those at school should set up rules for their conduct, think of why parents have sent you to school.
Carefully think through and set your standards, planning how to maintain them.
Develop a specific plan to follow so that you can continue in a healthy, growing love relationship without compromising your Christian principles.
Everyone else might tell you can’t do it, but your standards can never be too high.
The more clearly your standards are defined, the more likely you are to achieve them. Just keep thinking about why you are in school.
Some may question whether total abstinence till marriage is realistic or even possible in today’s sex-driven society.
Is it possible for single adults, those who are very much in love, to practice abstinence?
It is very much possible, but in the days of rampant sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and AIDS, it is imperative. Here are some steps to follow:
Be clear about your values.  Tell dating partners about your standards.
This doesn’t mean that you introduce yourself by saying, “Hello, I’m Chitalu Phiri, and I don’t sleep with anyone.”
You can be both forthright and tactful in letting the other person know your limits.
Those who are candid with a partner usually receive a positive response.
An easy way of bringing up the subject might be to talk about the standards you have set for yourself.
“It’s only fair to tell you about the values I have chosen for my life. I want to develop dating relationships that do not include sex until marriage. I hope you will respect these values and join me in keeping them.”
To be so up front about your no-sex policy with someone who may not even have approached you sexually, may be a bit stressful early in a relationship.
But once out in the open, you will notice it eliminates stress and uncertainty. Once it’s out there, you can both relax and get to know each other as friends.
Open communication between dating partners regarding their sexual ideals and values is an excellent way of preventing arousing situations.
It isn’t fair to invite someone to the airport without saying whether it’s for a plane ride or a parachute jump.
Have a clear plan in case of emergencies.  Develop an action plan, should you ever be faced with a “close encounter.”
You’ve developed your standards and are trying to live by them, but at some point, you will likely be with someone who will try to force you beyond those limits.
How will you react? What will you do?  Or say? Some advance planning now could save you heartache later on.
Let’s look at this in three stages: If it is only a light threat to your standards, you can say “No” and mean it. Begin telling a long, involved dramatic story.

•The Bible is very clear on sex outside marriage.

•The Bible is very clear on sex outside marriage.

Talk about Christ. Get up, change the activity and say: “I’m starved.  Let’s go get something to eat.” Tell a joke: “Do you know why the children of Israel wandered in the wilderness for 40 years? Because even then men wouldn’t stop and ask for directions.”
When there is no serious threat to your standards, any one of these ideas may take care of the situation.
A medium threat to your standards is a little more serious. A simple “No” hasn’t worked. You may need to use a firmer “No” through an I-statement: “I feel very threatened when you pressure me in this manner because you show no respect for my wishes.”
Or, “What part of No is it that you do not understand?” You may need to leave so you are around other people.
Young women need to carry a cellular phone and money for a phone call or possibly even a taxi.  Remember, protection is better than cure.
For comments; Email: brysonkatele@yahoo.com Cell: +260977 772697; +260975 772697

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