I fear to loose my wife…
Published On July 2, 2016 » 3004 Views» By Hildah Lumba » Letters to the Editor
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Tell me JosephineDear Josephine
I am married to this lovely woman whom I really live for. The only problem is that because of her beauty and good manners, I fear losing her. This has been troubling me from the time we married which is five years. What should I do?
Chintu J
Mbala

Dear Chintu J
As a psychologist, I have learnt that fear of losing someone you love is common. There is also fear of something happening to someone you love which like the first fear comes from a great love.
However, once you realise the love, and take action on that, there is no point to the fear. Note though that fear is immobilising while love is energising.
Remember, the biological reason for fear is to get us to act, after the action, the fear is pointless.
In this tangled web of life, we are all connected and our minds, hearts and souls are in sync with the world around us. When we are not connected to that world–when we feel separate–it is often expressed in mental health problems.
There are many ways to take action instead of being immobilized by fear. For example: spend time with your wife and tell her that you love her.All of these actions will help you feel more connected and lessen the fear.

Dear Josephine
My parents divorced when I was 14 and all along as children we blamed our father for the break up. Though he visited us, we never warmed up to him.
Recently (20 years later) my father has revealed to me that it is infact my motherwho  cheated on him explaining the divorce.
The revelation has devastated me since I now hate my mother with a passion. It seems she has realised this since she asked me about what ‘lies’ my father has told me.
I have stopped sending her money or phoning her since the hate is so intense that I feel like killing her. What should I do?
MB
Ndola

Dear MB
It is really devastating for children when their parents break up as a result of infidelity.
The sooner you come to terms with your parents exactly as they are, the sooner you realize that they are human and humans can do awful things – the sooner you will be on a solid path to your own happiness.
I am not in any way justifying, condoning or approving what your mother did. I am saying there is a lot you cannot change and that accepting people for who they are is essential to your happiness.
The fact that my your mother cheated should not be the basis of your perennial sadness.
The very fact that your father did not kill her, should not make you harbour thoughts of killing her as a son.
Move on with your life.

Is it love or infatuation?

Dear Josephine
I met this man in a cinema and we seem to have clicked. However, I want to be careful before I commit myself to him since I was disappointed the first time. How can I tell if I am infatuated or in genuinely in love?
Febby C
Lusaka

Dear Febby C
I understand you dilemma since many people mistake love for infatuation, the latter being shallow while the former has deeper roots.
Since time immemorial, love has been wildly misunderstood even by adults who easily confuse it with infatuation.
What’s the difference?
Infatuation feels passionate and addictive but is ultimately insecure. When acceptance and admiration flow in our direction, we feel safe, happy and completely alive.
However, when infatuated, it only takes a temporary shift in the flow of good feelings for all of our unresolved childhood issues to rear their ugly head.
Our partner lashes out and suddenly we are 5-years-old all over again, feeling abandoned, scared and unloved after a scolding.
Real love is very different from infatuation, because real love grows out of the healing of our childhood wounds through the ups and downs of a relationship.
Here are some other ways to tell whether what you’re feeling is real love or just infatuation:

Infatuation is All About You, You, You
Are you focusing solely on how your partner makes you feel, both good and bad? How empty life feels when you are apart from each other? How you want your partner to change so that you can maintain the high? How you’ve never felt like this before and the relationship is everything you’ve ever wanted? Do you feel more whole now because this person is in your life? Chances are, when you’re obsessing on what you’re feeling, needing and wanting from the relationship, you’re experiencing an immature, attachment-focused infatuation, not real love.

Infatuation Has Expectations
With infatuation, you create unrealistic expectations and beliefs about your partner in order to maintain that incredible high. You expect that because you love each other, the relationship should always feel good and that your needs should naturally be fulfilled. You can’t stand the thought that relationships do take work, don’t always feel perfect or that your partner won’t change in order to please you. When things go awry, you shut down, cling or pull away, and fear that the relationship is over.

REAL Love is All About WE.
During bad times, you see yourself as being on the same team. Your relationship is a safe haven because you know that no matter what, you are there for your partner and they are there for you, even if you don’t agree. Real love is not just about what you want or need, but rather what’s best for the relationship.

REAL Love Begins From Within
Real love begins with feeling lovable, and it doesn’t depend on a partner doing something right or validating you. There’s nothing missing or no aching needs that you’re looking to have filled by that significant other. Real love complements each partner’s strengths, accepts the weaknesses, and remains strong, reliable and steady in the face of challenges.

REAL Love is a Verb
Real love is not about being in a perpetual state of bliss, but about showing up for each other during good times and bad. It’s loving your partner, not pulling away. It’s about taking responsibility for your actions.

REAL Love is About Being Friends as Well as Lovers
Real love is based on shared values, acceptance and respect. It’s about wanting the best for the other — even when your needs conflict. Real love is about growing closer and growing up.

The Persistence of Real Love
Unlike infatuation, with real love you both feel like you are in for the long haul. You see the relationship and each other as a source of support, acceptance and comfort in your life and are willing to do the work to keep the relationship strong and thriving.
You understand that love is a result of consistent actions that build trust, not just a feeling to cling to.
When you see your partner through the eyes of real love, you’ll know that while your partner may not always make you happy, you love them nonetheless.
That’s when you know you’ve arrived.

She no longer loves me now that I have no job

Dear Josephine
Since I lost my job, my wife of seven years no longer loves me and is giving me a cold shoulder. I feel this is unfair since I used to provide for her when I was in employment. What should I do to save our marriage?
Bobby K
Kalulushi

Dear Bobby K
It is very normal for women to show less love or no love when their partners lose jobs. Instead of overreacting, I would realistically suggest you find another job to save your marriage.
A job is very important in marriage since it means providing for your wife and the children.
Please don’t be harsh on your wife but be realistic and find another job.

Sex has become boring

Dear Josephine
Since my husband hit 65 he his love making has become poor and boring
Though I pretend everything is Ok it really bothers me since as a young woman of 34 I think sex should be part of a healthy relationship.
What should I do?
Cathy K
Kitwe
Dear Cathy K
I think you are being unfair to you old husband since at his age you don’t expect him to make love like a young man. I would suggest you ask him to see a doctor who can administer some medicine for him since his problem is erectile dysfunction.
Erectile dysfunction (impotence) is the inability to get and keep an erection firm enough for sex.
Having erection trouble from time to time isn’t necessarily a cause for concern.
If erectile dysfunction is an ongoing issue, however, it can cause stress, affect your self-confidence and contribute to relationship problems.
Problems getting or keeping an erection also can be a sign of an underlying health condition that needs treatment and a risk factor for heart disease down the road.
Sometimes, treating an underlying condition is enough to reverse erectile dysfunction.
In other cases, medications or other direct treatments might be needed.

 

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